You Know You're From San Antonio When.....

Over the past six decades, I've lived in numerous places both overseas and in the United States, and each are unique in their own special way with 'special' ways to describe them.  While attending high school in Leadville, Colorado my stepfather and the other men that worked in the mine called it 'Deadville - the two mile high graveyard, where it snows 10 months of the year, rains the other two and has 20 minutes of summer.  Home to the whitest white people in the country."  There's a lot of truth in that statement. Leadville is two miles high in elevation (10,152 feet); it doesn't get a lot of sun and there certainly wasn't much in the way of entertainment when I lived there between 1965-1968.  I made a lot of good friends there, but I just didn't fair well with all the snow and cold temperatures.  I can remember standing along side of the highway waiting for the school bus to arrive and I'd be shaking like a dog crappin' peach pits on those cold mornings. Damn!!!

So, fast forward 34-years to the year 2002, where after living overseas for 12-years and in Maryland for 22-years, my wife and I were defiantly ready for warmer temperatures.  We made multiple trips to San Antonio to make sure this was going to be the place where we would plant roots and enjoy our golden years.  It has great weather, an international airport for when we want to take out of country trips, fantastic medical services with over 4,000 doctors, a low cost of living and the Mexican food is some of the best in the nation.  However, like any other city or town that we've lived in, San Antonio also has some phrases to describe what it's like living here. The weather can be described as:

- if it's over 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next week,
- you text, tweet and email all your friends every time it rains,
- you've seen bus patrons waiting in the shade of a telephone pole,
- you water the lawn using an eye dropper,
- you don't mind wearing flip-flops most of the year and have maybe one jacket in the closet,
- an inch of snow is a "once in a life time" experience,
- go to work in a jacket and come home in a t-shirt,
- practice tornado drills for no reason whatsoever,
- you consider cactus decorative lawn flora,
- 95 degrees in the middle of July is a chilly day, and
- driving in weather conditions that include rain, sleet or snow is just unimaginable.

 During rodeo season in March, it's very common for people to have at least one belt buckle that's bigger than their fist and wear cowboy boots, yet have no clue which end to feed a horse much less ride one.  San Antonio is the largest one horse town in the state with a small population of 2,194,927. We're not like those big, uppity, smug cities like Dallas and Houston.  Hell, we consider Austin to be almost as far away as Toronto, Canada.  But we certainly do our part for the national economy by spending a lot of money on cell phones, tattoos, junk cars, alcohol and tight fitting clothes.  There are many 3rd world countries whose budget is smaller than what we spend on a monthly basis. Yeah, that's right.  We may not be the brightest stars in the sky, but we damned sure ain't the cheapest either. Now, here's a fact I bet you didn't know.  This small hick town was voted the fattest city for three consecutive years and we wear that fact with pride, like a badge of honor.  Why McDonald's, KFC, Taco Bell and Wendy's open new stores here all the time.  Almost brings tear to my eyes.

Other discernible clues to determine if someone is from San Antonio:

- we think a health drink is a Margarita without salt;
- "pro-choice" is flour or corn tortillas,
- girls think wearing bows in their hair will eventually get them a husband,
- a strenuous workout is going to the nearest store and pick-up several tubs of Hagen Daas,
- a formal occasion is getting a glass for your bottle of beer,
- paying $8 for a 24 ounce beer at a ballgame is just outrageous - requires intervention by a priest,
- it costs $6 to park in a covered garage downtown and we think it's too much,
- we make popsicles from "Big Red" soda and cracklin' pig skins,
- the neighbors kids 6th birthday party includes a pinata and two kegs of Miller Lite,
- there's been constant road work on your street since 1978,
- when you're in another city, everyone seems too thin and too white,
- you know that bowl of 'pickles' on the restaurant table is actually jalapenos,
- we substitute blue jeans for dress slacks,
- you have more than 10 crosses in your house and car,
- when asked, "What's the best thing about San Antonio?"  You respond, "It ain't Houston!", and
- you tell your family doctor you've got "The Creepin' Crud" and they know exactly what you've got.

I mentioned earlier that San Antonio was the largest one horse town in Texas and according to the 2010 census, 59.4% of the population is Hispanic and most are Catholic.  This would explain why the news media frequently reports images of the Virgin Mary that were observed in tree stumps, bread dough, spilled paint and weathered walls. Gives me a warm and fuzzy knowing the Virgin Mary is fond of San Antonio as well.  I have met and personally know people that were born, raised, educated, married, had a family, retired and died in San Antonio, but never once giving a thought to venturing beyond the city limits.  Everything they need, want or desire is right here in town and anyone that lives outside the city limits or county line is either a foreigner, lost or a tourist. Their sphere of security and comfort is well established.  I call these people 'Dome Dwellers.'

 In the first six months of driving here, I discovered:


- every 3rd driver on the road has grey hair, owns a Cadillac and drives only in the 'passing lane',
- understand the dire consequences of parking under a tree at sunset where the grackles are roosting,
- using a turn signal is without a doubt a sign of weakness,
- tail gating/cutting people off will get you formally introduced to Smith & Wesson or Magnum,
- "Who gave you a license? Helen Keller or Stevie Wonder?" are battle cry's for slow pokes,
- having a college bumper sticker on the vehicle other than UT or Texas A&M is a kiss of death,
- foam dice hanging from the rear view mirror and rubber hula girls on the dash are still in style,
- stealing girlfriends and wives is OK, but keep your peter poppers off the car - got a new paint job,
- unless you're in a funeral procession, no more than 20 people in the cab of a truck at one time, and
- taking your children to school and church in the back of a live stock trailer is perfectly acceptable.

As a final gesture of humor for this blog, I present to you Colorful Texas Sayings:

Dishonest - He knows more ways to take your money than a room full of lawyers.
Dry           - So dry the catfish are carrying canteens and the birds are building their nests out of wire.
Advice      - Give me the bacon without all the sizzle.
Cheap       - She has short arms and long pockets.
Large        - He's big enough to hunt bear with a branch.
Honest      - If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
Backward - He's so country he thinks a seven course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
Busy         - He's so busy you'd think he was twins.
Brave        - Brave as the 1st man that ever ate an oyster.
Mad          - She could start a fight in an empty house.
Timid        - He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
Crazy        - He's got a hole in his screen door.
Poor          - I ate so many armadillo's when I was young, I still roll into a ball when I hear a dog bark.
Rich          - So rich they can eat fried chicken all week.
Hot            - Hot as a $2 whore on the 4th of July.
Cold          - Cold as a cast-iron commode.
Sad            - She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
Small         - So skinny she shades herself under the clothes line.
Bad/Mean - She makes a hornet look cuddly.
Fast            - Fast as small town gossip.