I Was Shanghaied Into Attending A CBD Oil Group Grope

I must've lived in a cave or under a rock these past few years, because until Thanksgiving of 2018 I had never, ever heard of CBD Oil or anything having to do with the hemp plant.  I thought it was a plant to make outdoor rugs and patio furniture.  However, I can now say in all sincerity and without any fear of contradiction, that anyone and everyone who can say C..B..D Oil is either taking one of the multiple products, selling it or thinking of using it.  This product reminds me of the days whenever Tupperware and Timeshares were the rage for the common folk to make extra money.  To illustrate how popular hemp oil has become, my wife and I attended a double funeral up in the panhandle last winter and on the way into Amarillo there was the gigantic billboard that read "Got Aches and Pains?  Let CBD Oil Take Them Away".  So what makes this billboard so unique?  It was on highway I-27 right in the middle of southern baptist country!!  Religious super stars Billy Graham and Orel Roberts would stroke out if they saw that billboard today.  Lawd help me!       

Here it is the end of April 2019 and my young bride has finally managed to convince me that I needed to go to the Hempworx Roadshow in Houston with her. From where I sit, driving in Houston traffic is about as enjoyable as having a root canal or spending the night welded to the toilet after eating a fish sandwich from a gas station.  Since my wife was happier than Oprah Winfrey making another million dollars on her latest diet plan, I thought the least I could do is not spend the entire time at this roadshow finding fault and being the poster child for the dumb ass husband award.  At least the company that was putting this show together had the foreknowledge and thought to at least book it in a nice big hotel with a restaurant and bar.  No beer -- no Jim.  No brag, just fact.

This group grope is a one day event that started at 9am and concluded around 5pm.  The first thing we're greeted with are hundreds of people standing in line to check-in at the registration desk and the number of selfies people were taking was enough to shoot Face Book shares through the roof.  I got the distinct feeling there were a number of these people that don't get out of town very often, so attending this event in the big city of Houston was a 'vay-kay-tion' to them.  To me and my young bride it was time well spent observing other attendee's in line and praying the female population didn't go ballistic with the perfume and foo-foo powder. I did consider taking a canary with us while we stood in line...if the bird dies we need to leave. Of the approximate 1,000 people in attendance, I personally observed only six women wearing dresses and the remainder wore jeans, Capri pants or cut off blue jeans -- being comfortable was the obvious point being made.  (There was a Jehovah Witness conference taking place in the room next to ours and those six women decided our room was more fun...just sayin'.)  The women's footwear consisted mostly of sandals, with a few demonstrating their retailer of choice by the appearance of their rubber flip flops decorated with plastic rubies and diamonds.  I didn't see any of them wearing those pop-off beads that were so popular from the 70's.  What few men were there wore mainly blue jeans; however, there were two that proudly displayed their bib-overalls and t-shirts.  These gentlemen were gracious enough to ensure there was no bovine, hog or horse excrement on the bottom of their boots prior to entering the banquet room.  And to the best of my knowledge, neither of them chewed tobacco or dipped snuff.  Did I happen to mention the rural community was well represented at this gathering??                      

After elbowing our way through the masses at the t-shirt, baseball caps and coffee mug sales table, which I might add resembled nothing short of a Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart, I could hear the distinct sound of rock-n-roll music; good rock-n-roll coming out of the banquet room.  Just as we walked into this massive room, I saw different colored light beams bouncing off the floor and walls; Girl on Fire sung by Alicia Keys was booming from the large sound system and pockets of women attendee's were dancing in their own little area's of the room and shakin' their booty.

We got two chairs at the back and my young bride tells me she was going back to the check-in table and register to get her "free shit".  She no sooner stepped away when I noticed a woman about my age that was REALLY getting into the song Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top.  I have no clue what this woman did for a living before, but I would be willing to bet money it involved dancing on stage and taking her clothes off.  You don't learn those kind of body moves from singing in a church choir or taking gymnastic classes at the local YWCA.  By the middle of the song Disco Granny was really in her groove and had both arms stretched out, grinding her hips and shaking her shoulders so hard that I'm surprised her big boobs didn't blacken both eyes.  Disco Granny looked to be doing her version of one of those dances from Saturday Night Fever with John Travolta.  Thank heavens there weren't any fireman poles scattered throughout the room or it could've gotten ugly real quick.  As a good friend of mine likes to say "I've been to three county fairs, two hog killin's and a taffy pull, but I ain't never seen anything like that."

All of a sudden every light in the room comes on, strobe lights and music were switched off and on to the stage bounces the Master of Ceremonies (MC).  The entire room explodes into applause, whistles and women of all ages and shapes jumping up and down faster than a fat kid in a Dunkin' Donuts.  There was a group of about 60 women in the middle section of the room that kept yelling Yee-Haw, Yee-Haw! Really?  Is this the best they could do...Yee-Haw?  There is over one million words in the English language and Yee-Haw was all this bunch could come up with?  Just poke me in the eye with a stick and get it over with.  Maybe it's a Texas word that's passed down from generation to generation to describe a happy, joyous moment such as a rodeo or a shot gun wedding.  Or maybe it's a secret password for this group to demonstrate how to butcher the English language with one simple word.  Who knows, but one thing is for certain, they ALL wore the same t-shirts that had Goddess of Hemp printed on the front.  The Hempworx organization calls these women a "team"; however, I'm more inclined to think of them as a "tribe".  I base this assessment on they all could say Yee-Haw on command, they wore identical t-shirts and this group of women had more chins than a Chinese phone book; thus, I now address them as the Chin Tribe.

To enhance the credibility of the Hempworx product and to motivate everyone in the audience, three motivational speakers were brought in to address the crowd of a thousand and each of these speakers had personally gained wealth from selling the various Hempworx products.  Of the three speakers it was the middle aged woman by the name of Chris from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania that really got the crowd whipped into a frenzy....ricky-tick, toot-sweet.  No sooner had Chris gotten on stage and she took total control of her audience by pacing back and forth, shouting "Can you say we can do this?" and the crowd roared "We can do this!", "say it again people" and they responded "We can do this!".  Watching this woman work her audience reminded me of all those Orel Roberts tent revivals my grandparents watched on TV.  The Chin Tribe got so worked up over Chris's presentation that I kept looking for men carrying bed sheets to catch those who had "gotten the spirit" before hitting the floor.  Chris was so good at this, that she was brought back for another hour of speaking after lunch.  Catch em' while they're hot baby! You're on a roll!
                                       

By the time Mickey's little hand was on the 4 and his big hand was on the 12, my saturation point for rah-rah motivation was fast approaching and when that happens, boredom kicks in and then it's all over but listening to the fat lady sing.  I had to get up and go stand in the back of the auditorium because my ass hurt, both legs were going numb starting at the knees and downward, and I was really growing tired of hearing the Chin Tribe say Yee-Haw after every other sentence.  Let's just say they were startin' to grate my nerves something fierce.  May all their children be born naked and riding a snow mobile...just sayin'.

Of all the products that were presented by both the motivation speakers and what was listed in the handouts, the mouth spray Peak was the only one that I found interesting.  During Chris's afternoon performance, she was going one by one through all six mouth sprays and what they did for people.  There's a spray to boost the energy level, one to help a person sleep, one for weight management, another to help maintain a healthy life style, another spray for advanced brain nutrition and then Peak.  When Chris made the comment "You men out there ought to try this Peak spray.  Not only is it good for you, BUT it will also increase your libido."  After hearing those lovely pearls of wisdom, I thought "Hot Damn!  I've hit the trifecta!  The wife gives me a testosterone shot every week, I take enough vitamins to keep me healthy for another century and a spray of Peak every morning ought to do the trick.  I'll have the sexual appetite of a Tyrantisaurus Rex!"
                                           

So, what did I take away from spending the better part of a day at this event?  It's unlike anything I've attended before and can best be described as having gone to a circus, rodeo and revival in the same room at the same time.  The only things missing were a rodeo clown, cotton candy and a bearded lady. Would I squander my valuable time and money to attend another one of these rah-rah's over the next millennium?  Only, and I emphasize the word 'only', if I had absolutely nothing else to do with my life and my young bride wanted to go.  Then and only then would I ponder the concept of going to another circus-rodeo-revival at the same time.  However, the deciding two factors playing into this process is: (a) cold beer would be available and plentiful and (b), there would be an ample supply of freaks to hold my attention and determine if Charles Darwin might have missed a few species.

Dolly Wood - Hillbilly Mecca

If humanity had a petri dish, it would certainly be amusement parks and the bigger they are the better the scenery, or as I like to call it "eye candy heaven".  I can watch people for hours from all walks of life mingling around doing whatever they want, as if no one was around to see them.  It's not clear what it is about amusement parks that invites people to not give a damn what their appearance looks like in public, but it's sure fascinating to me.  As a deer friend of mine in Montana likes to say "they're a right good source of humor".

I first became interested in watching people from the time I was in the 5th grade and it was a hobby I picked up from my Indian mother and her father, who over the years had been thoroughly entertained by the masses.  By the time I had reached my sophomore year in high school, I started giving some of the 'eye candy' funny names and doing voice impersonations on how I thought they would sound when speaking (i.e., Gomer Pyle USMC - Shazam, Sargent Carter!, Festus from the show Gunsmoke - Pert near there Doc.)  Fast forward 50 years and I've now discovered that my son has also taken up the family tradition of not only enjoying watching people, but with the invention of the cell phone is also very adept at taking their picture as evidence for all who care to see.  So, without further ado, let me introduce you to some of the poor souls that my son and I saw during last years family trip to Dolly Wood in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  And before I go any further, if by some remote possibility you might happen to be related to any of these folks, do yourself a favor and don't let it get around.  You've got a reputation to uphold.
                                

Say hello to "The Blonde Bomb", who was the first of many, shall I say, "unique"persons of interest we would encounter over the next 5-6 hours of mingling with the other tourists.  Upon closer examination, I discovered that not only did her coat resembled that of a dwarf flamingo having walked in a Gay Pride march in Saudi Arabia, but she was also wearing black leather pants, Elton John sun glasses that were the same color as the coat AND carrying an imitation leopard purse! Oh, you go girl!!! Charles Darwin lost a great opportunity by dying too soon - should've hung around for Dolly Wood to be built. Bah-Dah-Bing, Bah-Dah-Boom!!!  I wonder if her family ever considered her marrying someone from another county or out-of-state?  It would certainly help keep the blood lines pure for future generations by not having everyone in town with the same facial features.
                                                 

Whenever I hear the word hillbilly, I immediately have a mental image of someone looking like this man.  Who knows, this guy could have a doctorate degree from Harvard or Yale in astronomical studies about the earth or maybe working on a cure for hoof and mouth disease in livestock.  But when you're out in public dressed in brogue boots, bib overalls, a flannel shirt, wearing a camouflage hunting hat and sporting a beard, then he's got to have the name of either Cletus or Clyde.  There's every bit the chance that when he's down at the local choke and puke having coffee with the boys, he would be the first to use the phrase "I'll tell you what boy, I'll tell you what", which is a professional courtesy for preparing the listener's for the eventual lie(s) that will follow.  In addition, "Why, I'd knowed him all his life" is often heard in courthouse during bond hearings for a close relative or someone they owe money to.
                                                     

While sitting on a bench, my son and I glanced up and spotted this woman in what can only be described as -- eye opening.  A person from France might say this lady gives the impression she is "mode de vie de vie d'elite", which translates to elite life style in English.  But since she's at Dolly Wood and not France, she's more likely to hear "Excuse me Claude Mae, but where on this side of heaven did you get such purty glad rags?  Why it wouldn't surprise me one little bit if you didn't meet up with Snookie and ya'll went a shoppin' at Walmart, Goodwill or Salvation Army.  Why, I bet your mamma's sewing room doesn't have that kind of uppity material for makin' her quilts.  My granny used to have a table cloth like that for years and years out at the Repossession Acres Trailer Park.                             

Yo, Shrek! Whuzz up dude?  This fine figure of a man sat down on the same bench as my son and I, and at no time did he ever raise his head to see what was taking place around him -- he remained totally focused on what was taking place on his cell phone.  I'm going out on a limb here and come to an analytical assessment that this stunning individual doesn't place a whole lot of importance on personal hygiene or good eating habits.  However, in his defense, I have personally observed on more than one occasion men of this caliber and physique operating and maintaining rides of the carnivals that magically appear during the summer months at county fairs.  At least Shrek isn't sporting prison tattoo's and dabbling a little panhandling to make ends meet to pay for that cell phone.

There you have it my friends.  My very own dog and pony show of just a few selected individuals from that vast entertainment complex of Dolly Wood.  So, the question begs to be asked - do you or do you not have friends and/or relatives that resemble one of the individuals above?  And my answer to the question is a resounding YES!