If humanity had a petri dish, it would certainly be amusement parks and the bigger they are the better the scenery, or as I like to call it "eye candy heaven". I can watch people for hours from all walks of life mingling around doing whatever they want, as if no one was around to see them. It's not clear what it is about amusement parks that invites people to not give a damn what their appearance looks like in public, but it's sure fascinating to me. As a deer friend of mine in Montana likes to say "they're a right good source of humor".
I first became interested in watching people from the time I was in the 5th grade and it was a hobby I picked up from my Indian mother and her father, who over the years had been thoroughly entertained by the masses. By the time I had reached my sophomore year in high school, I started giving some of the 'eye candy' funny names and doing voice impersonations on how I thought they would sound when speaking (i.e., Gomer Pyle USMC -
Shazam, Sargent Carter!, Festus from the show Gunsmoke -
Pert near there Doc.) Fast forward 50 years and I've now discovered that my son has also taken up the family tradition of not only enjoying watching people, but with the invention of the cell phone is also very adept at taking their picture as evidence for all who care to see. So, without further ado, let me introduce you to some of the poor souls that my son and I saw during last years family trip to Dolly Wood in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. And before I go any further, if by some remote possibility you might happen to be related to any of these folks, do yourself a favor and don't let it get around. You've got a reputation to uphold.
Say hello to "The Blonde Bomb", who was the first of many, shall I say, "unique"persons of interest we would encounter over the next 5-6 hours of mingling with the other tourists. Upon closer examination, I discovered that not only did her coat resembled that of a dwarf flamingo having walked in a Gay Pride march in Saudi Arabia, but she was also wearing black leather pants, Elton John sun glasses that were the same color as the coat AND carrying an imitation leopard purse! Oh, you go girl!!! Charles Darwin lost a great opportunity by dying too soon - should've hung around for Dolly Wood to be built.
Bah-Dah-Bing, Bah-Dah-Boom!!! I wonder if her family ever considered her marrying someone from another county or out-of-state? It would certainly help keep the blood lines pure for future generations by not having everyone in town with the same facial features.
Whenever I hear the word hillbilly, I immediately have a mental image of someone looking like this man. Who knows, this guy could have a doctorate degree from Harvard or Yale in astronomical studies about the earth or maybe working on a cure for hoof and mouth disease in livestock. But when you're out in public dressed in brogue boots, bib overalls, a flannel shirt, wearing a camouflage hunting hat and sporting a beard, then he's got to have the name of either
Cletus or
Clyde. There's every bit the chance that when he's down at the local choke and puke having coffee with the boys, he would be the first to use the phrase "
I'll tell you what boy, I'll tell you what", which is a professional courtesy for preparing the listener's for the eventual lie(s) that will follow. In addition, "
Why, I'd knowed him all his life" is often heard in courthouse during bond hearings for a close relative or someone they owe money to.
While sitting on a bench, my son and I glanced up and spotted this woman in what can only be described as --
eye opening. A person from France might say this lady gives the impression she is "mode de vie de vie d'elite", which translates to
elite life style in English. But since she's at Dolly Wood and not France, she's more likely to hear "
Excuse me Claude Mae, but where on this side of heaven did you get such purty glad rags? Why it wouldn't surprise me one little bit if you didn't meet up with Snookie and ya'll went a shoppin' at Walmart, Goodwill or Salvation Army. Why, I bet your mamma's sewing room doesn't have that kind of uppity material for makin' her quilts. My granny used to have a table cloth like that for years and years out at the Repossession Acres Trailer Park.
Yo, Shrek! Whuzz up dude? This fine figure of a man sat down on the same bench as my son and I, and at no time did he ever raise his head to see what was taking place around him -- he remained totally focused on what was taking place on his cell phone. I'm going out on a limb here and come to an analytical assessment that this stunning individual doesn't place a whole lot of importance on personal hygiene or good eating habits. However, in his defense, I have personally observed on more than one occasion men of this caliber and physique operating and maintaining rides of the carnivals that magically appear during the summer months at county fairs. At least Shrek isn't sporting prison tattoo's and dabbling a little panhandling to make ends meet to pay for that cell phone.
There you have it my friends. My very own dog and pony show of just a few selected individuals from that vast entertainment complex of Dolly Wood. So, the question begs to be asked - do you or do you not have friends and/or relatives that resemble one of the individuals above? And my answer to the question is a resounding YES!
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