What In The Hell Did I Just See?

A few days ago I took my young bride to her podiatrist appointment where the doctor was going to give the both of us the nickel tour of what he was going to do during her surgery the following week.

As with any doctor's appointment, I've learned to be prepared for a lengthy wait in the patients lobby and there is every bit a chance the cheeks of your butt will be numb before getting called back to the exam room.  Since my young bride and I got into the medical business going on 17-years now, I've yet to find any comfortable furniture in doctor waiting rooms.  The couches are usually so broken down and smelly, the cushions would keep a pack of blood hounds busy for a month and the seats in the chairs feel as though they're either made of pig iron or smoothed over concrete blocks.  By the time you get called back to see the doctor, the noise you make walking towards the door resembles that of a truck running over sheets of bubble wrap....pop...pop pop...pop pop pop pop.

So, we enter the doctor's office and my wife walks up to the front desk to tell the lady she is there for her 1:40pm appointment and yours truly wanders into an "empty" waiting room, scoping things out to either find something to entertain me or provide me with just a hint of mischief.  Did I happen to mention that I'm not the least bit fond of doctor waiting rooms or having to wait in lines?  Anyway, there are no coloring books and crayons or magazines in sight, much less a newspaper; however, there is a TV mounted on the wall up high enough to keep patients from stealing it without the use of a chair or ladder.  And before I go any further, I want to point out that YES, it is not uncommon for patients in San Antonio to steal from doctor offices.  I know of practices on the south side of town where chairs and coffee tables in the lobby are "bolted to the floor" and there have been instances where patients have been caught red handed stealing the pictures off the exam room wall while waiting for the doctor.  Ah, yes, these pillars of the community...fine, upstanding citizens.

The time is now 2pm, we're still waiting to see the doctor and I've told my young bride in a voice so low and soft that it can only be heard by dogs, that I'd bet this doctor's mother had romantic relationships with water buffalo's and wildebeests during her vacation to Africa. Growing ever so weary of my whining, my wife said "Jim, just give it up and watch TV for awhile.  It shouldn't be that much longer until the doctor will be able to see us.  You're worse than taking a 5-year old."  OK, now that I've been given adult instructions, I whirl around in my chair and glanced up at the TV to see two young, white, adult men embarrassed and kissing each other on the lips!!  What the Hell Cletus, is this a porno flick??
                                   

I snapped my neck back towards my wife and said, "Did you see that?  Those guy’s are sucking face! The blonde guy put his tongue so far down the other's one throat, the poor bastard won't need a colonoscopy for the next 10 years!"  My wife replied "Yes, I see them kissing.  It's two men just showing affection. What’s the big deal?  It's just television - nothing real."  I replied "What's the big deal?  Whaddaya' mean what's the big deal? This crap is on national TV!  Why, I'm surprised the entire southern Baptist Conference isn't outside the television station right now with thousands carrying pickets and bibles in their hands.  Can you fathom how much chaos would ensue if all the people in this town who claim to have seen images of the Virgin Mary in broken tree limbs, washed out river rocks and burned out cars were watching this?  The Governor would have to call out the National Guard.  Sweet Jesus! Texas would be in complete chaos and turmoil!  My God, we almost separated from the rest of the nation over the introduction of the Bathroom Bill last year!

I quickly turned back to the television and saw this same blonde guy trying to talk some big burly guy that had more hair on his chest than a silver back gorilla, to meet him upstairs in his room where he would find out what "High Ho Silver" really meant.  Again, I turned back to my wife and said, "Did you hear what that little blonde headed twerp just said?" and she replied "Yep, I heard every word.  What's your point in all of this?  It's just an afternoon soap opera for cryin' out loud."  "Soap opera?" I said, "Since when did The Edge of Night, As The World Turns and General Hospital change their programming to resemble that of date night in a Panamanian hump-ah-hump-ah bar?  Who sponsors this crap anyway? Johnson and Johnson Vaseline or Trojan condoms?"                                        

                                              

My wife responded "Jim, you're making way too much out of all this.  Just relax and it won't be long until we'll be talking with the doctor and then we can go home."  No sooner had may wife finished that sentence, the medicine aid (aka Nurse Ratched) called her name and took the two of us to the exam room. The doctor finally made his grand appearance about 15-minutes later and told us everything we needed to know about the surgery, where it would be and how long it should take....providing there aren't any complications.  I thought "you're just straightening out two toes, not conducting open heart surgery."  Needless to say, I was more than ready to leave that place.