Holiday Madness - It's Every Man For Himself!

The two major holidays of the year are Thanksgiving and Christmas, and more people travel on Thanksgiving than any other holiday of the year.  Both of these two special times of the year have a few things in common to include, but not limited to: lots of food; college bowl games; bombardment with television ads; dysfunctional relatives you've managed to avoid all year; and the hand-to-hand combat that takes place inside stores and parking lots.  As a very wise person once said, "These folks are ridin' the gravy train with biscuit wheels."  And if "incompetence and procrastination could be sold like hamburgers, they would have golden arches over their homes."

So, here we are, less than a week away from the big "turkey day" and like a fool I went to the grocery store this afternoon for only 5 items...just 5!  It was all I could do to keep from getting run over by fat women on their Shamoo electric wheel chairs and grocery carts being pushed by wild eyed, crazed men and women in a desperate search for anything resembling Thanksgiving.  Throughout this entire process of organized mass confusion, I've never been able to get my mind wrapped around this concept of leaving the grocery cart in the middle of the damned isle while looking for whatever.  It's as though the people who pull this act of inconsideration are in a world all by themselves and totally oblivious as to what's going on around them. It's not beyond me during the holiday shopping frenzy, to throw random crap in people's carts when they aren't looking. In my demented mind, this act of juvenile delinquency is totally acceptable and is far less hazardous than navigating down an isle of multiple carts strewn here, there and everywhere, or engaging in verbal combat with someone who is obviously unarmed.

 By now most of us have read the jokes about a retired guy hanging out in Wal-Mart and pulling stunts that eventually got him banned from any of the company's stores, such as going into the nearest dressing room, dropping his pants and yelling "Hey! There ain't no toilet paper in here." Nah, I'm not that creative, although I think it's a pretty cool practical joke, and besides, there are "antics" that I've devised over the past few years that are very effective in a crowed store.  Today just happened to be one of those days in which I was in no mood to waste time dancing around half filled carts and I was smiling like a vulture with the first option on a massacre.

The first item on my grocery list was two bags of coffee -- ah, nectar of the Gods!  The aisle I needed to be on was a tangled mess of abandoned carts and people reading labels.  To show my dislike for such acts of rudeness, I went to the next aisle where the baking goods are located and grabbed a few bags dried fruit, four bags of chocolate chips, some bags of pecans and almonds, a medium sized container of Hawaiian macadamia nuts for good measure and a few boxes of birthday candles.  I pushed my cart of booty into the maze where the coffee is located and began dropping one-by-one all these bags into the carts of people who had left their grocery carts unattended and in the middle of the aisle. Boy, are they gonna be surprised at the check-out counter!!!!

As a kid growing up in the panhandle of Texas, my grandfather would load up all of his grandchildren in the back of his old Model-T pickup and take us all down to this little grocery store to buy some penny candy.  While the owner was keeping his eyes on all of us kids rummaging through the goodies, he should've been watching my grandfather because it was not unusual for him to sample the goods while nobody was looking.  I've seen him open a large jar of sweet pickles, take one or two out. eat it and then put the lid back on the jar and place the jar back on the shelf.  He's also famous for opening a new jar of Miracle Whip, stick his finger as far down inside the jar as possible, pull his finger out with it covered in mayonnaise, put his mayo smothered finger in his mouth and swirl it around, then put the lid back on the jar and place the tainted jar back on the shelf.  Before my loving cousin went to her grave, she told me that after watching granddaddy do that she ALWAYS opened ever jar of Miracle Whip she ever bought first to make sure somebody else had not pulled the same stunt as our loving grandfather.

If I pulled a stunt like those of my grandfather way back when in today's environment with all the security cameras and the like, I would probably be escorted out of the store in handcuff's and charged with God knows what.  However, there is more than one way to skin a cat besides starting at the ass.

Have you ever noticed the number of small children left alone in the shopping cart while Mom or Dad are a few feet away looking at something other than their child?  Did you also know that when a three year old is given a Hersey's Kiss chocolate candy unwrapped while their parents aren't looking, they will not only eat it BUT get the chocolate all over themselves and the cart?  Oh, yeah, Hersey's works much better than Gummy Bears because the child will take the candy out of their mouths multiple times before Mom or Dad realizes what's going on.  How about the number of times you've seen women leave their purses unattended and the purse is left open?  Scary huh?  Not exactly the sharpest cheese on the cracker.  Well, never fear.  If the opportunity presents itself to me, I will do my best to leave this person a surprise they'll never forget.  Depending on the size of the purse, I've discovered that small pet chewy bones and toys are great for surprising the person when they're digging around for their wallet at the check-out counter.  And those cloth shopping bags all the grocery stores have to save the environment are fantastic for stuffing pork chops and loaves of bread in.  The imagination is unlimited if time permits!