Doctor's Office Waiting Rooms - Would Rather Get Snake Bite

Throughout our lives there are going to be multiple times in which we'll have to suffer the boredom and frustration of having to sit in a doctor or dentist waiting room, and it seems like time has virtually stood still.  The best comparison I can come up with is like having your tonsils being removed by a proctologists...you're gonna get in the ass one way or another.

After having worked with my young bride for over 13 years consulting with physicians, it came as no surprise the majority of medical practices don't exert any effort in seeing their patients on time.  And whenever I mention this to the doctor and his staff that a patients time is just as important as theirs, that's when I receive a barrage of excuses as to why it's impossible to get patients in the exam room at their scheduled time.  Some of the reasons I get are valid, such as a patient comes in complaining of a stomach ache and the next thing patient knows they're being taken by ambulance to the hospital for a ruptured appendix.  Oh yeah, this is serious!  Or the patient complains of shortness of breath and unable to keep food down.  After a few tests and an x-ray the physician tells the patient he is scheduling them for a visit with an oncologist, because it looks as though they may have something that requires medical attention NOW.  OK, these are valid reasons for not seeing the patients in the lobby on time, but what if there are no serious emergencies?  It's those normal, routine, day-to-day illnesses and injuries that don't require a visit to the emergency room, and the lobby resembles a California traffic jam during rush hour traffic.  When it comes to the art of conversation and logical thinking, most physicians are defiantly color by numbers people.  Grasping the concept of common sense and logic just escapes them!

As I've grown older, it's not that I don't have more patience on purpose; it's just that I have no desire or time to care about all the pointless drama....get straight to the point and move on.  Here's an example of what I'm talking about.  Whenever I have to see a new doctor for my own health needs, I have a mental check list that I go through when I first enter the lobby:

- Does the place look and smell as though it's been cleaned or does it resembled the Fort Worth
  stockyards?
- What condition are the magazines in...torn to shreds, used as coffee toasters? No reading materials?
- If there's a TV, what kind of programs is on? Color or black and white television?
- How long is it taking for patients to be taken back to the exam room?  Before their old enough for
  Social Security?
- And how many drug rep's have come in the door and sent straight back to see the doctor, because
  they've got lots of food, cookies and drinks for the staff?  This is basically bribing the staff, but it's
  an acceptable business practice in medicine and that's why a lot of the office staff are great candidates for hooking up with the Jenny Craig program and fight diabetes forever.

 Should I not get a warm and fuzzy from my mental check list, I get up and walk over to the counter where I ask to speak with the Office Manager, who at times is also the doctor's wife and/or husband and is watching the store to ensure they're not being cheated.  When this important person arrives, I talk to them in a slow, calm manner and say "Look, I don't want to cause a scene or anything, but I just wanted to give you an opportunity to avoid a potentially ugly situation."  Usually they reply "What type of ugly situation are you referring to?" And that's when I give them my 30-second elevator speech and it goes like this: 


"I promise that if I'm left here in your lobby much longer having nothing to read but these cheesy, outdated magazines on 'how to avoid anal pain during child birth', 'six easy steps in learning how to knit' or 'does your lover really understand you inner most feelings?' I'm going to be a very unhappy camper.  And once I'm in the exam room waiting for God knows how long for his majesty to make a grand appearance, I'm going to dismantle the exam table; go through every drawer and cabinet in the room taking anything that isn't nailed down; pump the blood pressure cup up to its' maximum capability without exploding; and realign your weight scales.  And if that doesn't make your butt want to suck a lemon, I'll take the tunning fork and get  it to humming like a mocking birds butt on a high line wire and hold it up to the window in the exam room.  This is when the real fun starts!!  That copper wire running throughout the window glass is connected to your burglar alarm system and when the tunning fork vibrates next to the wire, we then play my favorite game of How many police, fire and ambulance vehicles can we get to this office in 10- minutes?  Doesn't that sound like fun?"

By now the Office Manager is either (a) picking up the phone to call security, (b) can't believe the sheer gaul I have for making demands on her, (c) thinks I'm crazy as a shit out rat and needs to be medicated, or (d) retorts with her own threats of stating she will "perform a colonoscope on me using an IV pole if I don't take a seat and wait to be called."  Now, here is the question that just begs to be asked, "have I or have I not ever followed through with my threats?" and the answer is a resounding yes!  But with only one exception...I've never able to get the tunning fork to hum at the right frequency to set off the burglar alarm......yet!

I would rather wear pork chop underwear and walk through a den of lions than have to wait in the lobby of a dentist or doctor's office.  I'm impatient and bore very easily, and that's why my young bride normally escorts me to all my appointments and thus, it's less likely in my being placed in handcuffs and taken off to the county slammer and hopefully not becoming Bubba's prom date.  I always behave....just not necessarily well.