Anybody Know What A Gerund Is?

In my life ‘before retirement’, there were both operational and academic hurdles I had to achieve before becoming eligible for promotion, and these included multiple specialties and courses.  Two of these courses were writing classes, each lasting six weeks or longer, and at the same time I was also responsible for a 24-hour military operation and a team of seven Navy enlisted people.  Let me digress for a moment.  In high school I was anything BUT a stellar student in English, so my having to take writing classes during the latter stages of my life was certainly nothing I had expected or desired.

The first writing class consisted of a middle-aged female instructor and approximately 18 students, most of who were in their late-30’s to mid-40’s.  And just for the record, I was the ONLY male in the entire class.  Anyway, upon entering the classroom on my very first day, I found myself a seat at the very back of the room because being 6’4’’ and weighing well over 210 pounds, I make a great wall but a damn poor window. 

 Once everyone had found a seat and began ‘making their nest’, the instructor started going around the room asking each person’s name.  When she got to me she said, “Mr. Gibbons why don’t you come sit at this table here in the front and that way I won’t need to talk so loud for you to be able to hear me.”  I picked that spot specifically so that I could stretch my legs out in front of me and not have to worry about anyone tripping over my size 12’s.  I graciously declined her offer and said, “That’s quite alright.  I can hear you perfectly from back here and besides, I got a lot more room to stretch out than if I sit up front.”  The woman was persistent and replied “No, I really think you will do much better in my class by sitting up here.  And did you know Mr. Gibbons, a study was conducted that found students who sat in the front got much better grades than those sitting in the back of the classroom.  So, move up here and I’ll bet you’ll be able to make an A in this course.”  I thought to myself “Ok, Hiawatha Helicopter have it your way, I’ll move up front.  But you and I are NOT starting off on a positive note, and this will certainly be the longest damn six weeks you’ve had in a while!”

                                                       

Since the class was only 3-hours long and we didn’t meet but once a week, there was ample homework to do and thank heavens it wouldn’t involve diagramming sentences like I had to do in English class in high school…or so I thought.  

Week number two rolled around and after spending about 25-minutes going over what we had talked about the previous week, the instructor said “Who would like to tell me what a Gerund is?  Come on; don’t be shy, what’s a Gerund?”  Nobody in the room made a sound and again she said, “Anybody?”  The entire room was graveyard quite.  I placed my hand on my head to hopefully fool her into thinking I was trying my best to find the answer to her question tucked away somewhere in my feeble brain.  The whole time I’m thinking to myself, “Gerund? What in the Hell is a Gerund?  People who use words like ‘Gerund’ probably wear funny looking clothes and spend their summers at Martha’s Vineyard selling ice cream cones.  I don’t have a freakin’ clue what a Gerund is.”  

                                         

By this point, the instructor has become frustrated with the lack of class participation and has walked from behind her podium and begins walking towards my side of the room.  With every step she took I was thinking "Please, please, please don’t call on me.  If you call on me ,well, I’ll just have to run my finger down my throat and force puke on the floor.”  Oh well, things aren’t looking good…she stopped directly behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder…“Oh crap!  I am so boned!  So, so major league boned!”  “Jim, why don’t you tell the class what a Gerund is?” she asks.

Not having a clue what a damned Gerund was, I thought if I could use a bit of rural humor on this woman, maybe, just maybe, she will have pity on me and go to someone else.  Everyone in the room is now looking at me and its show time!  I sat straight up in my chair and said in an authoritative voice “Gerund?  I know what a Gerund is. It’s a small, four-legged, furry animal that lives in my son’s aquarium and loves to eat the cardboard tube out of toilet paper rolls.  That’s what a Gerund is.”  The woman gave me that stink-eye look and was about ready to slap me into the next zip code when I said, “I’m sorry.  I thought you wanted to know what a Gerbil was.  Gerund?  Nah, don’t have a damn clue, sorry.”

                                                  

 

The instructor calmly walked back to the podium, lips pooched, opened up a book and said, “The real definition of Gerund is: Latin Grammar for a verb form which functions as a noun and usually ends in ‘ing’.”  For the next two and half hours, the instructor avoided eye contact with me and wouldn’t even so much as look towards the side of the room I was sitting in.  I didn’t complain…works for me.  I didn’t want to sit in the front of the room to begin with…this was her big idea…not mine. Broke her from sucking eggs!!!

When class had finished for the day, I was getting all my things together when I noticed from the corner of my eye the instructor walking towards me.  I looked up to acknowledge her presence and noticed she had this quirky smirk on her face and both hands on her hips. Danger Will Robinson! Danger!  “Jim, that was quick thinking this morning on my question.  The class certainly enjoyed your humor, but I was wondering if you and I are going to have problems the rest of this class?  I certainly wouldn’t want that to happen.” she said. I replied, “Nor would I madam.  In fact, two professionals such as you and I should be able to cooperate with one another.  In today’s environment there is just way too much hostility.  So whaddya’ say we bury the hatchet and agree to disagree without stepping on each others toes.”  "Fantastic" she said, "Good luck to you Jim and I'll certainly be sure to forewarn your next instructor."  Well, isn't she a sweet heart!  Such a darling!

                                                                                          

 I received an A+ for this course and the next writing instructor I had put all the desks in a circle!  Smart lady....certainly ahead of the curve on this one.