I Don't Remember These At Career Day!

My very first paying job was delivering circulars when my family lived in Amarillo, Texas when I was 11-years old and it was a sweeeeet job in deed.  I made $1 a day and all the cookies, Moon Pies and Honey Buns I could choke down in a 5-hour work day.  My salary, such as it was, is not much by today's standard; however, keep in mind that at that time in my life gasoline was 13-cents a gallon; cigarettes were 10-cents a pack; one Coca Cola was 5-cents out of the machine and I paid 25-cents to get into the movies - and they were double features most of the time too.  This particular job was strictly seasonal (only in the summer) and when payday rolled around Saturday afternoon, I had a whopping $6 in my pocket!  Man, you would've thought I was a regular Diamond Jim Brady!

Fast forward 42-years later and I'm now in that group of people who have to figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives before turning into 'worm food' for the cemetery.  With just a few months away from retirement, I'll be the first to admit I didn't have a damn clue what I wanted to do.  But one thing was for certain, I WAS going to continue to work and it HAD TO BE FUN or else I wasn't doing it....period, end of discussion.  For over three decades I had worked too hard, too long and sacrificed too much to end up just sittin' on my big fat country ass somewhere waiting for the buzzards to carry me off.

I'm the sort of person that truly requires lots and lots of structure and planning, or else boredom sets in and that's not a pretty sight to see.  Nope, it's just plain butt ugly.  Therefore, applying all those analytical skills I learned in my 'other life' for 36-years, I sat down one morning with pen and paper; the Yellow Pages and went page-by-page to get a cursory glance of what jobs I could and could not do.  I was truly amazed at the outcome.  There were approximately 30 places I could go to work that day and there were a few others that would've required me to go back to school for....like that's going to happen....Not!!!

Ok, I've gathered a lot of data and now comes the task of sorting this information into categories of: (A) jobs I'm qualified to do; (B) jobs I would enjoy doing; (C) jobs that would require getting additional training or education for; and (D), not a snow balls chance in Hell am I going to do that.

Here are the jobs from column D:

- Dietitian at a Louisiana snake and alligator farm;
- Bulldozer operator for a landfill in Nigeria;
- Lightning rod inspector for the Empire State building
- Symbol player with a Hare Krishna band doing gig's in airports, bus and train stations; and
- Marketing Director for the Medellin drug cartel

And from column C - jobs requiring additional training and/or education:

- Finding a cure for stupidity;
- Gynecologist for grizzly bears;
- Lead tracker for an expedition to capture Big Foot;
- Janitor at a Leprosy clinic;
- Rickshaw driver in China Town in central San Francisco; and
- Athletic Director for a convent.

Now, column B had some potential and they were:

- Manage a nudist colony for the vision impaired;
- Drive a margarita truck in 'dry' counties;
- Media Director for Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson; and
- Try out for a spot on the Chippendale dance teams.

And finally column A, jobs I felt were in the bag:

- Night watchman at Sleepy Hollow cemetery;
- Be a judge for a lawn bowling tournament in Scotland; and
- Night Manager at a Motel 6 or 7-11 convenience store in downtown Detroit.

Needless to say, my list certainly pointed out my short comings and that nothing I had written down up to this point was going to work.  But, there was one job that I certainly felt was attainable and that was being a flagman on a highway crew!  And the more I rolled the idea around in my head the better I liked it.  I wouldn't have to wear a coat and tie anymore; computer skills not needed; no more doing personnel evaluations for promotion; the only money I would care about is what's in my pocket; I'd be outside enjoying Mother Nature vice being inside a window-less building with guards sitting at the front desk with guns strapped to their waist; I would meet new people everyday; and I could wear a hard hat with both an American and Texas flag painted on it.  Damn!  Is this a great country or what?  The only down side to this job though is --- butt crack!  My young bride would have no sense of humor about this whatsoever...dead man walking.

 Alright, I'm back in Texas....finally....and I've followed through with the promise I made to myself about ONLY having fun jobs and life is good.  Since leaving the east coast in September 2002, I've worked as a medical technology salesman - wasn't worth a damn at this job; spent 36 months as a shuttle driver for a large Chevrolet dealership; this will be my 9th year as an usher for a Double-A baseball team; working on my 5th year as a panel member for the county Appraisal District; and partnered with my lovely young bride 9-years ago in starting our own medical consulting business....to talk about this job requires a mother load of super nacho's and multiple pitchers of beer.  So, yeah, I've worked multiple jobs so far in my life, but as a very dear friend once said to me "Until the wife shoves a pork chop up my ass and have the dog's drag me to the funeral home, I'm going to enjoy life to the best of my ability."  I agree completely!!!