Appraisal Review Board (ARB) $100,000-$200,000 Gang

 It's not until the property owner enters the hearing room that the ARB panel will be provided paper work on the location of the property and its' appraised value for the first time.  The homes and property in the $100,000-$200,000 range are mostly houses built in the late-50's to the mid-70's, located mainly in the poor white, black and Hispanic neighborhoods; they are slum lord havens and the local activist call these "gentrification" areas.  The owners work primarily in blue collar jobs and are very quick to say "we ain't rich ya' know!"  At each hearing the property owner is given the option of either presenting their evidence first or they can defer to the district appraiser, who is sitting right next to them -- they always want to go first.

The property owner normally begins by saying "Listen, I want to be fair about all of this but......), "I can't sell my house for what you have it listed at.  You wanna buy my house?"; "I want to pay my fair share of taxes and do what's right but....) and "If I were to put my house on the market right now, I couldn't sell it for what you have it appraised at."

The vast majority of these home owners have a very difficult time understanding why their property appraisal continues to increase every year, when according to them, "nothing has been done" to their property in years.  It makes them angry when told their neighbor two blocks over from them sold their house for $150,000 and thus, this causes the price of all the houses in that neighborhood to increase.  Their logic is that since they don't personally know the person who sold that house, then that house is NOT in their neighborhood and everybody shouldn't have to suffer the increase in value because of the seller's greed.  It's insane to come to that conclusion, but that's how it works in their mind and you are not going to change it.

Some of the people in this price range can become very theatrical, especially the women, filling the hearing room full of drama.  After seven years of hearing people protest, it got to where I could predict with a high degree of accuracy as to how the hearing was going to go.  For example, if the husband and wife were both in attendance, then 95% of the time it would be the wife doing all the talking and the husband would just sit next to her like a lump on a log.  If the property owner was a female, be prepared for either (a) Hell fire, brimstone and passages from the bible, (b) drama queen deluxe with a never ending supply of tears or (c), quite and thankful.  If the owner is male, and depending on age, he is going to be direct, ask very few questions and dislikes having to take time off from work to come to a hearing, which he may or may not get the dollar value he is seeking.

At the beginning of each hearing the Chair will say "Tell us about your property."

- "Youse guy's, my neighbor behind me has a large in ground swimming pool that's half-full of black water and it's home to a million frogs!  Jesus!  Youse guy's wouldn't believe how loud those damn bull frogs get a night -- they never shut up!"

- "These homeless people are so disgusting!  They keep sticking their dirty panties and used toilet paper in my wire fence."

- "My neighborhood is like the Wild West -- guns blazing every night!"

- "I'm not Danny Deep Pockets, so ya'll need to lower my taxes."

- "An inflated house market is what causes gentrification and we both know who's responsible for that."

- "My house looks like it was the target in a Beirut bombing strike!"

- "Only an insane person would pay that much for this dump!"

- "I got a real big mess when I bought this house.  It's going to cost more to fix it up than what I paid for it."

- "Can't imagine anybody stupid enough to actually pay money for this place."

- "We found tombstones on our property and called the funeral home to see who they belonged to.  They said those tombstones were our problem now -- not theirs."

- "When I bought my house in October 2018, I didn't realize there was a "doggie dog" at the bottom of the back kitchen door.  Now every dog in the neighborhood keeps coming in and out of my kitchen and I want to know much of a discount the District's is going to give me for that door?"

- "I don't know why I should have to buy flood insurance.  We didn't have this problem until those rich people in their $200,000 homes moved in here.  They should have to pay my property taxes instead of me!"

- "I paid $80,000 for this house in 1997 and sold it to my son for $150,000 last summer.  He just got married a few months ago and we found out his wife is pregnant.  There's no way my son can pay taxes on $121,000 right now, so we thought you might go back to the 2016 value for the next 2-3 years so he can have time to get settled."

- "I'm not selling my house -- ever!!  I paid $80,000 for it two years ago and I don't care if my neighbors are selling their homes to the "rich people" for $150,000.  I don't think I should be punished for not selling!"

- "My wife and I are citizens of the Republic of Texas and we don't recognize the United States or its laws.  According to the Texas constitution of 1836, 'that no citizen owning property shall pay any taxes.'  Now, ya'll need to sign this affidavit stating my wife and I don't have to pay any taxes on our property and we'll be on our way."

- "The police chased a man into my backyard and shot him dead!  A week later the dead guy's family knocked on my door and asked me if they could put a 'memorial' in my backyard, complete with a cross, flowers and burning candles.  Nobody's gonna pay $120,000 for my house with all the crime in my neighborhood and people walking in and out in my backyard."

- "I bought my house in 2010 and I didn't know we could protest.  So I want my 2019 appraisal to be rolled back to the 2010 amount to make up for all those years I didn't protest."

- "This hearing is fake!  I've notified the FBI and Justice Department and they'll be investigating this panel."

 - "I had some squirrels get in my attic last year and I certainly didn't want them making a nest up there.  I crawled into the attic with a sling shot and shot three bags of mothballs up there in an attempt of running them off.  Can I get a decrease in my appraisal value for unusable space?"

- "I bought this property in 1999 and it sits on the side of a hill-- it's all hilly!  Nobody buys a house that's built on the side of a hill!"

And my last one for the day:

After picking the wax out of his right ear and then wiping the gooey substance on his pant leg, the man says "I haven't had a chance to fix this place up.  I've been out of a job for the past 10 months and nobody is hiring since the fracking bidness went under."

Appraisal Review Board (ARB) - The $100,000 and Lower Bunch

 Each year that I was an ARB panel member for the Bexar County Appraisal District, the protest season normally began the first week of June and lasted until the end of August.  It's a state law in Texas that 95% of all county property protests must be completed by the close of business on July 25th, because the very next work day is when every school district in the state begins to with draw funds for that years budget.  This means the majority of protests to be heard first in all of June and most of July, will be the BIG money properties such as hospitals; hotels, motels, car dealerships, office buildings, warehouses, convenience stores with gas pumps, airports, apartment buildings, shopping malls, strip malls, movie theaters, RV parks and camp grounds, and the abundance of storage buildings. By the time July 25th rolled around, I was literally brain dead from listening to agents and owners of all the storage buildings attempting to convince the panel how terrible the location of their property was.  My thought was "If the location is so bad, why in the name of all that's Holy did you build there in the first place?"  I had so much smoke blown up my kazoo, I started buying chap stick by the pallet!

For a panel member to ask an owner a question regarding their property, without getting their pee pee whacked for "testifying on behalf of the District", is like walking through a mine field in Iraq wearing swim fins.  By the end of the protest season I had learned how to "bob and weave" with an owner, agent and especially lawyers when I needed to ask a question.

Towards the end of the protest season is when the $100,000 and below property owners get their day in court.  The hearings in this price range will be very emotional to include, but certainly not limited to, crying; screaming, shouting, finger pointing, accusations that every female member in your family are "ladies of the evening that wear comfortable shoes" and bodily threats.  These houses were built in the 1920's-1950's on what's called pier and beam foundations, the owners income is sometimes lower than minimum wage and the houses are a flippers favorite target, because the owner(s) is normally old, on a fixed income and very poor.

The panel chair person will always ask the owner to "tell us about your house or property".  And before I forget, the phrase "you people" is used quite frequently. Hearings in this price range usually start with the property owner saying:

- "I can't sell this house the way it is, but if you find some damn fool to buy it, I'll sell it to them today!"

- "If I tried to sell my house today nobody, and I do mean nobody, would buy it for the price you say it's worth.  "You people" are out of your mind!"

- "I don't have enough money to cross the street or change the color of my skin."

- "Trying to fix the place up is like putting lipstick on a pig."

While the panel members are reviewing the evidence brought in, the owner(s) will continue to try and persuade the outcome of the hearing with these gems of wisdom:

- "About the only thing that hasn't happened in my mother's neighborhood this year is an outbreak of Malaria."

- "I know ya'll are gonna find this hard to believe, but ever since the hogs ate two toes off my left foot, I've got the miseries something fierce and I can't hold down a job. Now, that's just  all there is to it."

- "This house is so old and creepy it scares the dog and cat."

- "Can't do anything with the property, it just sits there.  It's land locked and totally worthless.  Hell, I can't even give it away."

- "The neighborhood where I live is so bad even the Jehovah Witnesses stay away."

- "I'm a war veteran.  I was shot three times when I was in Afghanistan, got shrapnel in my leg during my 2nd tour in Iraq; had my right knee blown out causing me to wear a brace all the time and my family has a long history of being war veterans.  We're the people you call when there's a war to be won.  Not these hip-hop, baggy pant sissies.  The only metal you'll find in my body is from what's holding some of my bones together." And this has to do with your property how???

- "I'm a single parent just trying make ends meet.  I'm just doin' the best I can to keep body and soul together in these difficult times, but "you people" are determined to put me in the poor house!"

- With a straight face the man said "There's a savage dog raping all the other dogs in my neighborhood."

- "My property only has frogs, rats and snakes.  All my neighbors have died from either lung cancer or lymphoma, and that tells me I live in a polluted area.  My 'ex' husband threw feces at me when I told him what he was doing wrong to the property."

- "Our house has so many water leaks in the roof that every time it rains we call it the 'Holy Home'."

- "I'm going to plead the 5th Amendment for anything I say at this hearing.  Now, let us pray."

- "I'd have better luck selling snow cones to a penguin in Antarctica than getting anybody to pay $86,000 for this old dump."

- "My neighborhood is so terrible that I've had to replace all the grass in my front yard with broken glass and busted bottles."

- "I have wild animals falling through the ceilings in my house. One night I was sitting in my recliner watching Jeopardy and all of a sudden - Whumf!  There laid one pissed off raccoon right next to my new TV!  Now, I believe this qualifies me for a lot of discounts."

- "There are two trailer houses across the road from my house and they make my place look like a shack.  Oh Hell, it is what it is."

- "I live next to a main road, a big highway and a creek, which floods a LOT!  'You people' either give me a 60% discount on my taxes or else I'm voting for Trump!"

- "I'm 66 years old, my house was built in 1900, I'm in a wheelchair, I'm low income, I have dyslexia, I'm divorced and the area hasn't improved since I bought it 2004 for $25,000.  The taxes keep going up and up, and I shouldn't have to pay taxes!  They need to remain at $25,000!"

- "It seems the more I bend over the more you fellas want to see."

- "I've got the Beverly Hillbillies for neighbors on the left and Sanford and Sons on the right.  You guy's have gotta give me some help here.  I'm dying from all these taxes!"

- "The realtor said my house was worth $80,000 and now 'you people' say it's worth $140,000.  I think ya'll are tryin' to poke me in the eye on this."

And the last one for the day is:

"I just got out of prison and didn't have time to prepare for the hearing."

Appraisal Review Board (ARB) - Introduction - You Never Know In Dealing With The Public

 When I retired from the Department of Defense I told my wife that I wanted to continue working for as long as possible, but the job had to be "fun" or else I wasn't going to do it.  I stuck to that concept until one evening when I came home from working my 14-hour shift as a porter at a local Chevy dealership, dripping wet in sweat and every muscle in my body screaming at me.  My wife looked at me and said, "When you retired you were only going to work at a job that was fun and when it stopped being fun, you were going to pick up your chips and find a new game.  So, are you still having fun?"  She was absolutely correct, my porter job was kicking my butt big time and no longer fun (6 days a week - 14 hour days) and it was time to move on down the road.

It wasn't long after that when an add in the classified section of the local newspaper where the Bexar County Appraisal District was seeking "qualified" candidates to work on the Appraisal Review Board.  My wife and I were talking about the ad and she told me I should apply for the job.  I knew absolutely zero about property appraisals, much less how an appraiser calculates the dollar amount.  Nonetheless, my wife backed me into the corner and I did apply for one of the positions.  The next thing I knew I was sitting in front of two guy's for an interview being asked a wide range of questions.  I didn't believe I'd be selected for that job anymore than I could leap tall buildings in a single bound or catch a bullet with my teeth.  As my main man Clint Eastwood would say "A man has got to know his limitations."

The stars in the galaxy must've been aligned right, because I was hired and immediately informed there was a two day training session taught by the State Comptroller and my attendance was mandatory for employment.  I'd like to point out that during my entire public education years, I was anything but a stellar student and had a tendency of focusing more on making money, sports and girls than I did academic's.  School just bored me to tears and I couldn't wait to graduate.  The comptroller training was held in the education building at Fort Sam Houston and people from all over southern Texas were here for the same training as me.  This two day event wasn't all that bad with learning the state codes we'd be required to know, excellent presentations by state comptroller employee's; however, the second day was deadly...the entire afternoon were presentations by lawyers!  Oh my dear God, just put a stick in my eye and get it over with! Everyone had returned from having lunch and taken our seats when the lights were turned way down low, so that everyone could see what was on the monitor screens.  Let me say this about that act of sheer ignorance.  The ONLY people who are on these ARB panels are "old retired people" and they can shift into nap central with the flick of a switch.  So, old people sitting in the dark and listening to a long-winded lawyer, whose presentation skills were along the same lines of watching grass grow, resulted in many people nodding off.  One lady from a rural county made no bones about how bored she was.  She leaned her chair against the wall and went into a deep sleep where the drool from her mouth was stringing down her blouse like it pizza cheese and almost touched her belt buckle.  Oh, oh, just gross me back to the dinosaur age!

During my entire 7-years working as an ARB panel member, each case I sat in on was just like opening a box of Cracker Jack's...ya' never know what's inside until the lid is removed.  The dollar range of the cases were as broad as the space shuttle and just as complicated.  I heard cases from as low as $30,000 all the way up into the millions of dollars.  During my seven years as a panel member, I jotted down notes on what I could anticipate from the owners during the hearing based upon the dollar amount of their property.

1. $100,000 and Lower: Lots of emotion, usually provide a great deal of evidence, older houses built from the 1920's-1950's, owners have very little education, low minimum wage incomes and the houses are favorite targets for house flippers.  Be prepared for a lot of drama!

2. $100,000-$200,000: Mostly blue collar owners, "we ain't rich", lots of emotion and evidence, pictures of inside/outside/under the house, homes built from the late-50's to mid-70's, mostly poor neighborhoods, activist call these "gentrification" areas and slum lords hover over these homes like buzzards on road kill.  Accusations and finger pointing will dominate the hearing.

3. $200,000-$320,000: Mom and Pop, middle income, "1.2.3 Sunshine Lane, Happyville, USA", don't understand why property appraisals/value keep going up every year, "when will these increases stop", homes built from mid-80's to late-90's, evidence is rather limited and a LOT of pictures of the outside but not many, if any, of the inside...don't want you to see all the upgrades/improvements they've done.

4. $320,000-$400,000: Medium-to small business owners, homes built in late1990 to mid-2000's, owner usually represents themselves, no picture evidence whatsoever, "I'm educated, I don't need a lawyer or agent to represent me". Will argue square footage and comps until Hell freezes over or the next coming of Jesus Christ, which ever happens first!

5. $400,000-$800,000: Owner has either a lawyer or agent represent them, never see what the inside of the house looks like, argue square footage and comps ONLY and forget about picture evidence.  The vast majority of cases in this price range end up in court and owner had no intention of settling this at the District level. Owner just going through the motions to get a court date.

6. $800,000-$1 Million: Law firms and the occasional agent to represent the owner, no picture evidence, will argue comps ONLY - doesn't want the government to know the true square footage. The appraisal is guaranteed  to go to court for the judge to decide.

My rule of thumb was to check out the property owner's appearance and then the value of the appraisal on the protest work sheet.  It's not uncommon for wealthy property owners, especially women, to dress as though they just pulled a double shift a Deny's before coming to the hearing.  I had a woman from one of the more wealthy parts of town come to her hearing wearing shabby clothes; however, her $300 shoes and hairdo was a dead give away she wasn't bobbing for pennies in the park to make ends meet. People had no problem whatsoever looking me straight in the eye and attempt to blow smoke up my butt.  I call it "show time"!

At the beginning of every formal hearing, the property owner is escorted to the hearing room where they'll be seated next to an appraiser and three ARB panel members will be on the other side of the table.  These rooms aren't big enough to cuss a cat in, but they're large enough for 5 people; a small conference table, printer, four monitors and two chairs for guests. The first order of business in every hearing is the owner(s) and/or their representatives to be sworn in: "Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm that the testimony you shall present to the Appraisal Review Board for the Bexar Appraisal District is true and correct to the best of your knowledge and ability?"  This oath is an attempt to have people tell the truth, but it doesn't mean they have to tell everything about their property, only what's being presented as evidence and it must be true.  Sure, check's in the mail!  One man's house was valued over $400,00 and he told the panel he "hasn't done ANYTHING to the house in 5-years " and his appraisal shouldn't be raised.  The appraiser then put a picture on the monitor of this man's house from a magazine article titled "Beautiful Homes In The Hill Country". It had all stainless steal appliances, granite counter tops, mahogany cupboards, wooden floors, ivory tinted ceiling fans and a mini-bar in the sun room. The man's response to the picture "That was all there 5-years ago, but I haven't done anything since then, so I'm not lying."  NOTE: Remember the oath from above he took?  This twisting of facts(??)  by him could result in a nasty fine.