Appraisal Review Board (ARB) - The $100,000 and Lower Bunch

 Each year that I was an ARB panel member for the Bexar County Appraisal District, the protest season normally began the first week of June and lasted until the end of August.  It's a state law in Texas that 95% of all county property protests must be completed by the close of business on July 25th, because the very next work day is when every school district in the state begins to with draw funds for that years budget.  This means the majority of protests to be heard first in all of June and most of July, will be the BIG money properties such as hospitals; hotels, motels, car dealerships, office buildings, warehouses, convenience stores with gas pumps, airports, apartment buildings, shopping malls, strip malls, movie theaters, RV parks and camp grounds, and the abundance of storage buildings. By the time July 25th rolled around, I was literally brain dead from listening to agents and owners of all the storage buildings attempting to convince the panel how terrible the location of their property was.  My thought was "If the location is so bad, why in the name of all that's Holy did you build there in the first place?"  I had so much smoke blown up my kazoo, I started buying chap stick by the pallet!

For a panel member to ask an owner a question regarding their property, without getting their pee pee whacked for "testifying on behalf of the District", is like walking through a mine field in Iraq wearing swim fins.  By the end of the protest season I had learned how to "bob and weave" with an owner, agent and especially lawyers when I needed to ask a question.

Towards the end of the protest season is when the $100,000 and below property owners get their day in court.  The hearings in this price range will be very emotional to include, but certainly not limited to, crying; screaming, shouting, finger pointing, accusations that every female member in your family are "ladies of the evening that wear comfortable shoes" and bodily threats.  These houses were built in the 1920's-1950's on what's called pier and beam foundations, the owners income is sometimes lower than minimum wage and the houses are a flippers favorite target, because the owner(s) is normally old, on a fixed income and very poor.

The panel chair person will always ask the owner to "tell us about your house or property".  And before I forget, the phrase "you people" is used quite frequently. Hearings in this price range usually start with the property owner saying:

- "I can't sell this house the way it is, but if you find some damn fool to buy it, I'll sell it to them today!"

- "If I tried to sell my house today nobody, and I do mean nobody, would buy it for the price you say it's worth.  "You people" are out of your mind!"

- "I don't have enough money to cross the street or change the color of my skin."

- "Trying to fix the place up is like putting lipstick on a pig."

While the panel members are reviewing the evidence brought in, the owner(s) will continue to try and persuade the outcome of the hearing with these gems of wisdom:

- "About the only thing that hasn't happened in my mother's neighborhood this year is an outbreak of Malaria."

- "I know ya'll are gonna find this hard to believe, but ever since the hogs ate two toes off my left foot, I've got the miseries something fierce and I can't hold down a job. Now, that's just  all there is to it."

- "This house is so old and creepy it scares the dog and cat."

- "Can't do anything with the property, it just sits there.  It's land locked and totally worthless.  Hell, I can't even give it away."

- "The neighborhood where I live is so bad even the Jehovah Witnesses stay away."

- "I'm a war veteran.  I was shot three times when I was in Afghanistan, got shrapnel in my leg during my 2nd tour in Iraq; had my right knee blown out causing me to wear a brace all the time and my family has a long history of being war veterans.  We're the people you call when there's a war to be won.  Not these hip-hop, baggy pant sissies.  The only metal you'll find in my body is from what's holding some of my bones together." And this has to do with your property how???

- "I'm a single parent just trying make ends meet.  I'm just doin' the best I can to keep body and soul together in these difficult times, but "you people" are determined to put me in the poor house!"

- With a straight face the man said "There's a savage dog raping all the other dogs in my neighborhood."

- "My property only has frogs, rats and snakes.  All my neighbors have died from either lung cancer or lymphoma, and that tells me I live in a polluted area.  My 'ex' husband threw feces at me when I told him what he was doing wrong to the property."

- "Our house has so many water leaks in the roof that every time it rains we call it the 'Holy Home'."

- "I'm going to plead the 5th Amendment for anything I say at this hearing.  Now, let us pray."

- "I'd have better luck selling snow cones to a penguin in Antarctica than getting anybody to pay $86,000 for this old dump."

- "My neighborhood is so terrible that I've had to replace all the grass in my front yard with broken glass and busted bottles."

- "I have wild animals falling through the ceilings in my house. One night I was sitting in my recliner watching Jeopardy and all of a sudden - Whumf!  There laid one pissed off raccoon right next to my new TV!  Now, I believe this qualifies me for a lot of discounts."

- "There are two trailer houses across the road from my house and they make my place look like a shack.  Oh Hell, it is what it is."

- "I live next to a main road, a big highway and a creek, which floods a LOT!  'You people' either give me a 60% discount on my taxes or else I'm voting for Trump!"

- "I'm 66 years old, my house was built in 1900, I'm in a wheelchair, I'm low income, I have dyslexia, I'm divorced and the area hasn't improved since I bought it 2004 for $25,000.  The taxes keep going up and up, and I shouldn't have to pay taxes!  They need to remain at $25,000!"

- "It seems the more I bend over the more you fellas want to see."

- "I've got the Beverly Hillbillies for neighbors on the left and Sanford and Sons on the right.  You guy's have gotta give me some help here.  I'm dying from all these taxes!"

- "The realtor said my house was worth $80,000 and now 'you people' say it's worth $140,000.  I think ya'll are tryin' to poke me in the eye on this."

And the last one for the day is:

"I just got out of prison and didn't have time to prepare for the hearing."