When I retired from the Department of Defense I told my wife that I wanted to continue working for as long as possible, but the job had to be "fun" or else I wasn't going to do it. I stuck to that concept until one evening when I came home from working my 14-hour shift as a porter at a local Chevy dealership, dripping wet in sweat and every muscle in my body screaming at me. My wife looked at me and said, "When you retired you were only going to work at a job that was fun and when it stopped being fun, you were going to pick up your chips and find a new game. So, are you still having fun?" She was absolutely correct, my porter job was kicking my butt big time and no longer fun (6 days a week - 14 hour days) and it was time to move on down the road.
It wasn't long after that when an add in the classified section of the local newspaper where the Bexar County Appraisal District was seeking "qualified" candidates to work on the Appraisal Review Board. My wife and I were talking about the ad and she told me I should apply for the job. I knew absolutely zero about property appraisals, much less how an appraiser calculates the dollar amount. Nonetheless, my wife backed me into the corner and I did apply for one of the positions. The next thing I knew I was sitting in front of two guy's for an interview being asked a wide range of questions. I didn't believe I'd be selected for that job anymore than I could leap tall buildings in a single bound or catch a bullet with my teeth. As my main man Clint Eastwood would say "A man has got to know his limitations."
The stars in the galaxy must've been aligned right, because I was hired and immediately informed there was a two day training session taught by the State Comptroller and my attendance was mandatory for employment. I'd like to point out that during my entire public education years, I was anything but a stellar student and had a tendency of focusing more on making money, sports and girls than I did academic's. School just bored me to tears and I couldn't wait to graduate. The comptroller training was held in the education building at Fort Sam Houston and people from all over southern Texas were here for the same training as me. This two day event wasn't all that bad with learning the state codes we'd be required to know, excellent presentations by state comptroller employee's; however, the second day was deadly...the entire afternoon were presentations by lawyers! Oh my dear God, just put a stick in my eye and get it over with! Everyone had returned from having lunch and taken our seats when the lights were turned way down low, so that everyone could see what was on the monitor screens. Let me say this about that act of sheer ignorance. The ONLY people who are on these ARB panels are "old retired people" and they can shift into nap central with the flick of a switch. So, old people sitting in the dark and listening to a long-winded lawyer, whose presentation skills were along the same lines of watching grass grow, resulted in many people nodding off. One lady from a rural county made no bones about how bored she was. She leaned her chair against the wall and went into a deep sleep where the drool from her mouth was stringing down her blouse like it pizza cheese and almost touched her belt buckle. Oh, oh, just gross me back to the dinosaur age!
During my entire 7-years working as an ARB panel member, each case I sat in on was just like opening a box of Cracker Jack's...ya' never know what's inside until the lid is removed. The dollar range of the cases were as broad as the space shuttle and just as complicated. I heard cases from as low as $30,000 all the way up into the millions of dollars. During my seven years as a panel member, I jotted down notes on what I could anticipate from the owners during the hearing based upon the dollar amount of their property.
1. $100,000 and Lower: Lots of emotion, usually provide a great deal of evidence, older houses built from the 1920's-1950's, owners have very little education, low minimum wage incomes and the houses are favorite targets for house flippers. Be prepared for a lot of drama!
2. $100,000-$200,000: Mostly blue collar owners, "we ain't rich", lots of emotion and evidence, pictures of inside/outside/under the house, homes built from the late-50's to mid-70's, mostly poor neighborhoods, activist call these "gentrification" areas and slum lords hover over these homes like buzzards on road kill. Accusations and finger pointing will dominate the hearing.
3. $200,000-$320,000: Mom and Pop, middle income, "1.2.3 Sunshine Lane, Happyville, USA", don't understand why property appraisals/value keep going up every year, "when will these increases stop", homes built from mid-80's to late-90's, evidence is rather limited and a LOT of pictures of the outside but not many, if any, of the inside...don't want you to see all the upgrades/improvements they've done.
4. $320,000-$400,000: Medium-to small business owners, homes built in late1990 to mid-2000's, owner usually represents themselves, no picture evidence whatsoever, "I'm educated, I don't need a lawyer or agent to represent me". Will argue square footage and comps until Hell freezes over or the next coming of Jesus Christ, which ever happens first!
5. $400,000-$800,000: Owner has either a lawyer or agent represent them, never see what the inside of the house looks like, argue square footage and comps ONLY and forget about picture evidence. The vast majority of cases in this price range end up in court and owner had no intention of settling this at the District level. Owner just going through the motions to get a court date.
6. $800,000-$1 Million: Law firms and the occasional agent to represent the owner, no picture evidence, will argue comps ONLY - doesn't want the government to know the true square footage. The appraisal is guaranteed to go to court for the judge to decide.
My rule of thumb was to check out the property owner's appearance and then the value of the appraisal on the protest work sheet. It's not uncommon for wealthy property owners, especially women, to dress as though they just pulled a double shift a Deny's before coming to the hearing. I had a woman from one of the more wealthy parts of town come to her hearing wearing shabby clothes; however, her $300 shoes and hairdo was a dead give away she wasn't bobbing for pennies in the park to make ends meet. People had no problem whatsoever looking me straight in the eye and attempt to blow smoke up my butt. I call it "show time"!
At the beginning of every formal hearing, the property owner is escorted to the hearing room where they'll be seated next to an appraiser and three ARB panel members will be on the other side of the table. These rooms aren't big enough to cuss a cat in, but they're large enough for 5 people; a small conference table, printer, four monitors and two chairs for guests. The first order of business in every hearing is the owner(s) and/or their representatives to be sworn in: "Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm that the testimony you shall present to the Appraisal Review Board for the Bexar Appraisal District is true and correct to the best of your knowledge and ability?" This oath is an attempt to have people tell the truth, but it doesn't mean they have to tell everything about their property, only what's being presented as evidence and it must be true. Sure, check's in the mail! One man's house was valued over $400,00 and he told the panel he "hasn't done ANYTHING to the house in 5-years " and his appraisal shouldn't be raised. The appraiser then put a picture on the monitor of this man's house from a magazine article titled "Beautiful Homes In The Hill Country". It had all stainless steal appliances, granite counter tops, mahogany cupboards, wooden floors, ivory tinted ceiling fans and a mini-bar in the sun room. The man's response to the picture "That was all there 5-years ago, but I haven't done anything since then, so I'm not lying." NOTE: Remember the oath from above he took? This twisting of facts(??) by him could result in a nasty fine.
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