When I retired in January 2002, I promised my self that I would never, ever have another job that wasn't "fun" and should it become anything other than that, then I would pick-up my chips and find a new game. As a very close and dear friend of mine said when he retired four years ago, "I'm not ever going to have another job that I've got to kiss somebody's ass to draw a paycheck." Wish I had thought of that.
Since retiring, I've worked as a shuttle driver for 36 months for a large Chevrolet dealership; 8-years and counting, as an usher for a Double-A baseball team and I'm on my 4th year as a panel member on the Appraisal Review Board. Each of these occupations have been my "fun jobs" and they give me the opportunity to meet lots and lots of different kinds of people from all walks of life. As I like to say "People are the cheapest source of humor and not all of us have yet completed the cycle of swinging from trees with a tail attached to our butts and walk in an upright position. The Darwin theory is alive and thriving!"
As a shuttle driver I never knew who was going to be riding in the front seat of my van and some of my more memorable passengers include the Chaplin for the University of Incarnate Word; two retired nuns and a priest; a couple of strippers, one of which became a certified CPA; a mercenary who said his job was "to make sure terrorists would never hurt anyone again"; a few teachers; various lawyers and doctors; and the President of one the larger banks in town, who was a fantastic tipper to boot! Not only did I get to meet some very interesting people, but they also showed me parts of the city I would've never seen or known about.
One summer morning about 10am when the temperature was already in the mid-90's, I was sent to an apartment complex to pick-up Ms. Bernice Parks and bring her back to the dealership to get her car that had been repaired the day before. As I pulled into the complex, I noticed there were no numbers on any of the apartment buildings and this was critical information I needed in order to get Bernice in a timely fashion. So I drove to the rental office to look at their map to only discover the attendant was going to be out of the office until noon! Really? A 2-hour coffee break? What was her last job - cashier at Wal-Mart? My jaws got so locked it would've taken a dozen hard hats with air wrenches to get my lips separated. I was not going to let Ms. Parks down just because the staff in the rental office are poster children for a Jerry Lewis telethon.
Without any numbers whatsoever on any of the buildings, I called Ms. Parks on her cell phone and explained my situation to her. Bernice was very nice and said, "Don't worry about it honey, I'll come to you. Can you see the Club House and swimming pool?" I replied "Yes mam, it's right across the street." She said "Ok, you park at the Club House and I'll be there in just a few minutes." I pulled the shuttle van into a shaded parking spot, turned the air conditioner on maximum and stood outside waiting for Bernice while the van was getting cooled, because the temperature was now closer to 100 degrees. I had only been waiting for about 8-minutes when I see this middle aged black woman hobbling down the sidewalk in a bright blue, sparkling dress - the kind Diana Ross of the Supreme's would wear on the Ed Sullivan show. Having never met this woman before in my life, I thought "that can't possibly be the woman I'm here to pick-up". As she got closer I could see her right foot was wrapped in gauze and bandages, and there was a catheter tube slung over her arm and it was still attached! When she got to the van I noticed that half of her right foot had been amputated and thus, the reason for the bandages.
I said "Ms. Parks we would've been more than happy to deliver your car to you Dear. When did you have surgery?" She said "I was discharged yesterday morning and got to go back for a follow-up in two days. I've worked for 5-years taking care of an old man on the other side of town to pay for that car and I want to be the one to drive it. So, let's go honey." I helped this sweet woman into the van and making damn sure I didn't get her catheter tubing caught in the door. Damn that would've been catastrophic! While I was buckling my seat belt in preparation to drive back to the dealership, Bernice looked at me and said "Jim, you look like a very nice man and someone I can trust. So I must tell you that I'm not wearing any underwear. I just think you need to know this." I didn't know whether I should be flattered, surprised or sympathetic. I've never had a strange woman, much less a woman I might know, get into a vehicle with me and state flat out she wasn't wearing any underwear.
Why didn't this happen during my puberty years? Damn the bad luck!
Ms. Parks and I had a very pleasant conversation all the way back to the dealership to get her car. Once I dropped her off at the vehicle pick-up point, I immediately took the shuttle van to make-ready where the guy's wash, wax and vacuum every customers vehicle and got a hold of the supervisor. I told him the story about Ms. Parks ride in my van and told him his crew "must scrub the passenger sheet with disinfect soap and vacuum it until dry". He was a little miffed at my request and said, "so what if the woman didn't have any underwear, what differences does it make". I explained to him that when a person has a catheter tube inserted inside the body, that tube MUST be cleaned daily or else bacteria would grow and cause a very nasty infection "in an area that we all hold near and dear to our hearts". Furthermore, I have no clue how many other women get into the shuttle van with me every day that aren't wearing underwear and don't want my conversation with them to begin, "Hello, are you wearing any underwear? If you are, then please remain seated. But if you're not, then I must insist on you sitting in the back seat because my previous female passenger possibly had an infection in her "playground area", and I certainly wouldn't want to expose you to that." Not exactly the sort of thing to say when you're looking for a tip! A couple of days later it suddenly dawned upon me why this woman was wearing that particular dress when I picked her up...that was probably the only thing she had in her closet that would allow her to both conceal her catheter tube and to go out in public.
A few months later I saw Bernice in the waiting room at the dealership and noticed she had her right leg from the knee down amputated and was wearing a prosthetic leg. Come to find out, Ms. Parker was in her late 50's, had diabetes and wasn't doing a very good job of taking care of herself.
Not everything at the dealership was so heart breaking. There were moments in which humor and laughter prevailed. Like the Saturday these four old guy's pulled up and said a "thumping noise" was coming from the rear of the car. These guy's had been playing golf together for over 50 years and today was their day to play. I drove the car down to the shop and 15 minutes later the mechanic brought the car back with a note on the work order that said "removed golf clubs from trunk and put them in back seat....thumping noise discontinued". Or the Saturday morning an older Hispanic woman pulled up and was madder than Hell. She said "I brought my car here two days ago to be fixed and now I've got this constant beeping sound. I've pushed every button, turned all the knobs and even turned the radio off. You people WILL FIX my car or else the next person you'll be talking to will be my lawyer." The dealerships master mechanic just happened to be standing there when she pulled in and he took the car down to his stall. Less than 3-minutes later he is driving the car back to the drive and told the woman, "The beeping sound you're hearing is your cell phone going off letting you know you've got text messages coming in." The woman's face looked as though she had been slapped in the face with a sack full of nickles and said, "I don't own a cell phone. My daughter does." And with that, the nasty old wench drove away and not apologizing whatsoever for making unfounded threats. Hope her butt slams shut and she gets a nasty case of Montezuma's Revenge!
Saturdays at the dealership is when all the crazy's, both customers and employee's alike, seem to come out of the wood work "in force". Here's a good example of a bad example for stupid people.
One of the local townships had a police car in the body shop to be repaired and when it was finished, two of the porters from the body shop were taking the car back when of them got a very, very stupid idea. The person driving the police car thought it would a lot of fun to turn on the siren and flashing lights, drive at a high speed on the highway and the porter following would be able to "slip behind" the speeding police car without anyone getting in their way. Some people will never be too old to learn new ways of being stupid! The following work day a police Captain and two deputies from the township the car belonged to came to the body shop and were looking for the person(s) responsible for driving the car back to the station. When this individual flicked the switches to turn on the sirens and flashing light, it automatically lights up on the 911 dispatchers board to let them know a car is in an emergency situation, are en-route and how fast they're driving. Since the car was "out of service" and in the body shop at the time all of this was activated, dumb and dumber were busted!! In addition to being fired from their jobs on the spot, they were also placed in handcuff's and taken to the police station for booking. I don't know when the UFO landed and dumped these two idiots at the body shop, but they obviously weren't coming back for them.
In the fall of 2010, the marketing department at the dealership was sending out flyers, emails and putting ads in the newspaper about their "new" Camaro's. Long about 10am this old, gray, badly beat up Toyota Corolla pulled into the service drive and the driver was at least in his mid- to late 80's sitting behind the steering wheel. One of the service writers went out to the car and noticed the right, front head light was dangling down by its' wires; the front bumper was two breaths away from falling completely off; all four tires were completely bald; God knows the last time it was in a car wash or anything remotely resembling one; and the windshield had so many pock marks in it that it could've been used by Bonnie and Clyde during one of their bank heists in the 1930's. When the old man was asked what the problem was and he replied "it doesn't stop very well". A very strong foul stench was emanating from inside the vehicle and can best be compared to it smelling like a hog farm on a windy day. The service writer took a gulp of fresh air before getting inside and stepping on the brakes....they went straight to the floor board....the car did not have any brakes at all! It was obvious this old guy didn't have two nickels to rub together, so the service writer told him that he would get a tow truck and have him taken to Pep-boy's where they could fix his brakes much cheaper than what the dealership would charge. The old man said, "whatever you think is best".
When the tow truck showed up to get the car, the driver came inside and asked where was the Toyota he was there to pick-up? The service driver said "it's right behind this building on the drive" and the tow truck driver responded, "No there isn't. There aren't any cars behind this building." The old man literally coasted his car down the service drive to the street and left the dealership. About this same time the General Manager came running up and asked "Where is that gray Toyota that was just here? He just ran into a customers truck and the owner is threatening to call the police." Since the service writer had not written a work order for the old man's car, there was no phone number or address to contact the old guy. As best as anyone can figure, when the old man got his flyer from the dealership in the mail, he "thought he had won a Camaro" and was coming to get it. When he was told the flyer was only for advertisement and not a give-away, he got back into his car to leave and jumped over a curb; knocked down a handicap pole; drove across a landscaped flower bed; jumped a 2nd curb; side-swiped a very large pick-up that was going to be used as a "trade in" by the owner and came to rest in the driveway of the service department. Furthermore, the old man had no insurance on the car and he didn't have a drivers license! The old man was riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels.
This one particular Saturday must've been "two senior citizens for the price of one". The first guy was in his mid- to late 70's and had always promised himself that once his wife passed away he was going to get the car of his dreams....a Chevrolet Vet! The very next day after he purchased the car, here comes a tow truck with this guy's vet sitting on the back of it and the owner in the front seat of the truck. This old guy had been coming to this very dealership for well over 25 years and the senior service writer, Ralph, went out to greet him. The guy shouted at Ralph ,"You guy's ripped me off! I paid over $65,000 in cash for this piece of crap yesterday and the damn thing won't go any faster than 5mph! You're all a bunch of thieving bastards and I want to see the General Manager right now or by God I'll call my lawyer!" Ralph said "this is a brand new car, I can't imagine something not working right". So he got into the vet, turned on the cars ignition and whooom, whooom...started right up! The old man looked at Ralph and said "what did you just do?" Ralph replied "I put the car in neutral to start it." The old man responded "You mean this vet has a manual transmission? Hell, I thought it was an automatic. No wonder I couldn't get it out of 1st gear." Just brings tears to the eyes.
It wasn't an hour later until Ralph got another Saturday surprise. This time it was an old couple where the wife was following in the "good car" and the husband was driving the one that "needed work" done to it. The wife slides from behind the steering wheel and says to Ralph, "This is a brand new car and the air conditioner doesn't work. Tell 'em Melvin how this car is a rip off. Go on Melvin, you're supposed to be the 'man of the house' aren't you?" Poor ole' Melvin got out of the car and told Ralph his wife was right...the air conditioner wouldn't work, no matter how many times he turned it on and off. As company policy states, Ralph got in the car on the drivers side and began working with the controls. He turned the "temperature knob to the blue line" because it had been on the "red line" and then put the fan on maximum. Wham-O! Enough cold air to freeze the balls off a brass monkey! Ralph says to Melvin "Sir, you had the temperature knob set on the red line and that's for heat. When I put it on the blue line it switches to air conditioning." "Well, for Christ sakes! Nobody told me that when I bought the car. I didn't know cars these days came so sophisticated! And to add insult to injury, Melvin's wife piped in "Oh, Melvin, you old fool! This just proves what my sister's have been saying about you all these years, you're completely useless! Get in the car and let's go home before you embarrass me any further." This would've been the perfect opportunity to ask Melvin's wife for permission to let him "have his balls back".
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