Some People Can't Take A Hint

A few years ago while I was watching 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney gave his dialog on "How To Stop Junk Mail" and the subject really peaked my interest.  Basically, Andy said take all those flyers, political cards, grocery coupons and anything else that you dislike getting in the mail and insert them into one of those pre-paid envelopes.  Ensure there is more junk in the envelope than what the advertiser has paid postage on, so that when it arrives at it's final destination they will have to "pay the difference" in what it originally costs.  Brilliant!  Why didn't I think of that?  Since my wife and I had just moved to our new home, our mail box was jammed with junk mail.  We took Andy's idea and applied it to our own situation, and by damn, our junk mail was reduced by 85% over the next 30 days!  Worked for me.

This Andy Rooney envelope gesture for junk mail got me to thinking, "Why not let the postal system and electronic devices help with leaving hints?  It's certainly a lot easier, costs less and safer than face-to-face confrontation that might lead to a night in the slammer."  About a year later, one of the neighbors just down the street had over 12 cats she kept as pets and when she left for work in the morning, the little darlings were let outside to roam all over the neighborhood.  These fur balls tore my $50 swing cushions to shreds with their claws, would catch and kill the doves and squirrels that come to my backyard to eat from the bird feeders, and would leave little piles of "turd surprises" all through out the yard.  Talking with the woman was like having a conversation with an unsharpened pencil -- it had no point.

Late one summer afternoon as my wife and I were returning from business out of town, squatted in my front yard bowing up to take a bodacious dump was this calico cat that belonged to the neighbor from Hell.  I jumped from the car and was going inside to get my .357 magnum pistol to pop a cap in his ass, when my wife yelled "Jim!  If you shoot that cat, just remember there's a police station just a mile down the road and they will haul you off in handcuffs for discharging a firearm in the city limits."  Damn I hate it when she's right!  Ok wench!  Let the games begin!!!!

Over the next couple of weeks I thought of buying my ignoramus neighbor a years subscription to the Mormon Times and The Flaming Sword religious newspapers; sign her up for every white supremacist group's literature and banners (such as the Aryan Nation Brotherhood of Oregon) I could find.  And just to ensure I had really pushed all her buttons, I could make monthly calls on throw away cell phones to the police saying I thought my neighbor was holding pagan rituals in her backyard and I could hear chanting in an unrecognizable language.  Yep, games on!!

A good friend of mine in southern California asked me to listen to his suggestion to my cat problem before doing time in the county jail.  He said, "Take one square of Ex-Lax, mix it with a couple of tablespoons of tuna fish, melt the contents in the microwave for only 1-minute and this will allow the Ex-Lax to melt into the tuna."  I thought my friend was pulling my leg, but he said try it and if that doesn't take care of the problem....shoot the damn cats!  Why not, nothing ventured - nothing gained.

I certainly didn't want to hurt the cats, because they're just doing what Mother Nature taught them to do; however, their owner was a different matter.  Before putting all this concoction into play, I called a veterinarian's office just a mile from the house and said my granddaughter had mistakenly feed the family cat some Ex-Lax and should I be worried.  The receptionist put me on hold while she got the veterinarian and when he got on the phone he asked, "Sir, how much Ex-Lax was the cat given?" and I replied "just one square, that's all."  The vet then asked where the cat was right then and I told him we put it in the garage for safety sake, and that's when he said "Under no circumstances should you let your cat out of the garage.  It will take about 6-8 hours for the ex-lax to kick in and do it's job, and with the animal getting the dosage made for an adult....things are going to be really smelly in the garage."  Oooooooo, this is going to be better than getting a fruit cake in the mail from Mama!

Visualize this scenario....Flippy, Gentle Ben and Mama's Little Girl's have all had some of my California Sea Food Surprise and have all trotted back home to where it's air conditioned and ready for their comfortable chairs to lay on.  In the middle of the night, and it's always late at night when disaster hits, each of the little butt licking fur balls get this enormous pain in their bowels and make a mad dash for the littler box.  Did you know that when a cat gets diarrhea and fills the litter box, it will search for new areas to make their deposits?  Think...shoes...bottom of closets...under beds and rugs, and when they finish their business, anticipate racing stripes of crap right down the middle of the floor and on furniture.  Since I also added food coloring to the mixture, red-grape-orange-yellow, the owners carpets and furniture is going to have that rainbow affect to it!  Oh yeah!  And when the old woman sees all these different colors, the first thing she will do is hustle the fur ball to the vet's for a check-up and that cost $65 where I live!!  My neighbor took the hint and has now limited herself to just "1 cat" and I never, ever see it in my yard.