Appraisal Review Board - Best Damn Job I've Ever Had!

Remember the television series Dragnet that was on the air for 8-years between 1951-1959?  Some of the more famous quotes from Sargent Joe Friday (aka Jack Webb) are "This is the city: Los Angeles, California.  I work here.  I'm a cop."; "All we know are the facts ma'am."   Right after Joe Friday finished his opening statement, the announcer would then say, "Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent."  Both Joe Friday and the announcer are speaking in a very a firm, monotone voice.

These same lines from Dragnet could be used while working as a panel member on the Appraisal Review Board (ARB) during the protest season when hearing home owner protest cases.  The hearings would start off like this "Good Morning. This is a formal hearing of the ARB. I'm the panel Chair.  On my right is......and on my left....., representing the District....and please state your full name and your association with the property."

As with any organization of any size, the ARB goes by many nicknames, some of which are (a) Senior Citizen Day Camp; (b) Geriatric Pow-Wow; (c) Over the Hill Gang; (d) Patriarch Paradise; (e) Dinosaur Round-Up; (f) The Grey Armada; and (g) AARP Mercenaries.  Not to be excluded from the nickname process, these happy(??) home owners also have been given various names to include, but not limited to, the following: (a) Out To Lunch Crowd, (b) Oh, Woe As Me Choir, (c) Pity Partiers, (d) Mundane Mongers and (e), Voodoo Worshipers.  Keep in mind, not every home owner who comes to the appraisal district to protest their property appraisal fit these nicknames, but there are more who do than those who do not.  In fact, I've given these hearings a rather befitting name and I call them "The Liars and Criers Club".  Before I go any further, let me deflate a myth...the Appraisal District does NOT have anything to do with how much taxes a person must pay.  That responsibility falls upon the shoulders of the tax office in a completely different part of the city.

When John and Jane Unhappy Home Owner come to the appraisal district for their protest hearing, some get very creative and seek ways to, shall I say, influence the ARB panels decision on their case.  I'll kiss your butt on main street in the middle of the day and give you three days to draw a crowd if I'm lying, but grown adults(??) have come to their hearings using these sympathy devices:

- being pushed in a wheel chair;
- using a walker with "clean white" rubber stops;
- wearing a knee, neck, back brace (some have worn all three at the same time);
- comfort dog, seeing eye dog;
- a cane with and/or without a head light (that costs a buck or two);
- crutches, arm sling, eye patch;
- females wearing very low cut blouses to enhance the "cleavage" view;
- pulling an oxygen tank and having a "full" pack of cigarettes in the shirt pocket; and
- a bible....nothing like a little divine intervention for back-up

The first clue the panel has when they're about to get "saddled" with a real dozy-of-a-case is right after everyone has been sworn in and the unhappy home owner begins spitting out reasons and excuses in their defense faster than a run away slave.  I firmly believe some of these folks have had theatrical training during their lives, because some of them are capable of producing large tears on demand.  Here is just a sampling of the various excuses and antics people have used:

- Have cancer, PTSD, bad feet/knees/hips;
- Close family member just "crossed over to the other side" (what's wrong with the word die?);
- Lost my job, recently got a divorce, live out of state and/or country;
- Didn't graduate from high school or go to tech school;
- Hemorrhoid surgery was unsuccessful and they're drivin' me nuts;
- Was homeless until two months ago;
- Got a blood disease & getting chemo treatments;
- Waiting for the Medicare Recovery Act (this is a good one!);
- My cousin is my agent, he got into a car wreck this morning & he has all my evidence;
- Loud sighing while simultaneously looking at the panel with sad puppy dog eyes;
- Grabbing at imaginary flies and spiders; and finally my favorite,
- Pretending not knowing how to speak English - "Me no speaky good English. Me poor."

None of these reasoning's will have any bearing or impact on a persons "property appraisal", but people being people, they'll try anything from having to pay.

After spending days, which eventually turn into weeks, listening to Joe Schmuck and Teresa Twerp's tale of woes, the ole' barrel of sympathy is totally depleted...empty...nothing left...so it comes as no surprise these folks did not get the price they were asking for.  This denial of their rights as a citizen of Texas is certainly not going to be taken laying down....leaning against the wall....standing up....sitting down....or whatever position they intend to put themselves in.  And just to prove to the panel and the appraiser they're going to have the last word in this argument, their parting shots as they stomp out the door include:

- "You people" have tunnel vision and do everything the District tells you.
- How can "you people" sleep at night? (after 4 beers and a good meal I sleep very well thank-you.)
- "You people" ought to be hanged on the front steps of the court house and left for two weeks.

   ......I'm trying to figure out who "you people" include......

- Thank-you for sending another retiree into bankruptcy!
- Shaking her finger at the Panel Chair, the Pakistani woman said "You are a betty, betty bawd man."
- God will punish you in His own way.
- You're all disciples of Satan!
- Very elderly woman, "If my taxes go up any higher I'll be forced to get married."
- I'll see you in court!
- Next year I'll bring my "pistola" with me to the hearing.
- Well!  This was certainly a waste of time!
- This was all just smoke and mirrors so you could bankrupt me!  You're just a bunch of crooks!
- I hate big government!  And I'm tired of my taxes going to educate all these damn illegal Mexicans!

I've always said that having a job that entails dealing with John and Jane Doe Public, who live at 123 Sunshine Lane, Happyville, USA, is going to be an occupation that will test the limits of sanity and patience.  For the most part, these folks haven't a clue what's going on in the world and have become very comfortable being led by the hand down the road of life.  Their entire world is a giant 5-mile circle around their home; their creature comforts are simple and about the only time they get a case of the ass with government is when it cuts into their beer and Spurs money.  Now you've got their attention!  Trying to explain how the process works to these people, can at times be as difficult as trying to put a jock strap on a gorilla in a phone booth.

Not every panel hearing with a home owner entails hand-to-hand combat or questioning whether or not their mothers had romantic relationships with buffalo.  Actually, there are those occasions in which the hearings are so outrageously funny, that it's impossible to catch your breath and end up sitting in your chair looking like a retarded seal with a pained look on your face.  Here is just a sampling of what I'm talking about.

#1 - A middle aged man said he didn't think his small home was worth the money the appraisal district said it was.  And besides, he was "raised in an orphanage and was not taught Appraisal math."  We're talkin' about the next candidate for the Nobel Peace prize here people!  Bet he cleans the wax out of his ears with a set of car keys.

#2 - An elder lady, probably in her upper 70's and who had to use a "walker" to get around, told the ARB panel and the district appraiser she was not moving one inch until her appraisal was reduced back to what it was 3-years ago.  The woman crossed her arms and refused to leave the room.  The sheriff deputies helped change her mind and was escorted out of the building.  Ah, nothing like a bit of arrogance to start the day off right!  Granny forgot to take her meds and now everybody has to suffer the consequences.

#3 - At an earlier informal hearing, an older woman was told by the district appraiser that her Agriculture Exemption was denied, because the field appraiser did not see any evidence of either live stock or crops being raised on her property.  Therefore, when this lady came to her formal hearing a few weeks later, she pulled a large zip lock bag out of her purse that had a gooey, smelly "cow chip" inside and flopped it down on the table.  She looked the panel members in the eye and said, "I picked it fresh this morning for you.  This is my evidence that I'm raising cattle on my land."  Her exemption for Agriculture was approved!  Since the cow chip was introduced as evidence, the District had the obligation to keep it as part of the record....but that ain't happening.  Talk about having a blow fly problem!!!!

#4 - A middle aged man enters the panel room with the picture of a mushroom cloud printed on the back of his shirt.  The short version of his lengthy testimony, which included numerous newspaper clippings and magazine articles, is "The soil in San Antonio is contaminated by the nuclear bomb blast testing and the water is contaminated with Agent Orange.  Congress states 'people cannot be taxed for contaminated soil and water'." And while this man was blithering on, he was spraying himself with a water bottle that may have been filled at the water fountain in the hall outside of the lobby. Ooooooeeeeee, Deputy Dawg!  This guy is defiantly a few clowns shy of a circus!  I bet his mother let the family dogs hide him under the front porch because he was so damned ugly.

#5 - A man in his late-50's/early 60's, who resides in an upscale gated community, was looking at the TV monitor on the wall when the District appraiser put on an overhead satellite shot of his property for all to see.  The guy had a very nice home, small storage shed, shade trees scattered about the yard and an in ground swimming pool in the backyard.  The man became very angry and said, "I didn't give you permission to take an overhead picture of my backyard".  To which the appraiser replied "Sir, I don't need your permission.  This satellite service is paid for by the Appraisal District in the form of a subscription fee to the Agriculture Department."  The guy replied, "My wife likes to go skinny dipping in the pool and I don't want you guy's taking pictures of her while she is naked."  You could hear a pin drop in that room and everyone was thinking "What does she look like?"  Is she a real looker or are we talkin' about a Kibbles and Bit's candidate?


#6 - A very nice looking young man in his mid-30's had gotten a "great deal" on a house in Alamo Heights, which is one of the more costly areas to buy in.  The man was in the middle of making a "few repairs" to the house when it came time for his formal hearing.  As part of his evidence, he had pictures of the inside of the house that showed most of the sheet rock had been stripped away with no insulation between the studs; the kitchen floor had every other board ripped out between the living room and the sink; with the exception of a small refrigerator and a microwave, there were no other kitchen appliances.  And in the bathroom, only the toilet and shower worked - not the tub.  When a female panel member asked "How does your poor wife make this house into a home with all of this construction going on?"  The young man lowered his head down and said "My wife left me three weeks ago....but I still got my dog!  Priorities son....think about your priorities!

#7 - An elderly couple lived in an old colonial two-story house out in the middle of the country on a 20 acre horse bordering ranch.  According to the wife's testimony, the entire 2nd floor of the house was inhabited by bees and the only rooms the couple lived in was on the 1st floor where the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen were located.  While the ARB panel members were looking at the overhead satellite picture of the property, one of the members noticed there was an almost new double-wide house trailer that wasn't all that far from the house.  When asked why they didn't live in the trailer instead of the house, the husband replied "Our son Jesse was kicked in the head a few years ago by a horse and he ain't been right since.  So, me and Mamma decided to live with the bees instead of Jesse." I got absolutely nothing....Zero...Nada....Zilch!  Sounds like a scene from the Hitchcock move Psycho and Norman Bates lives in the trailer house!