Catching Critters - Business or Pleasure?

About this same time last year is when I started catching critters, because they were causing havoc in my wife's flower beds and vegetable garden.  I've always loved all sorts of animals, but I've never considered myself to be the Daniel Boone or Grisly Adams type.  As a kid growing up I've lived and worked on farms and ranches, and when we lived in the city I mowed lawns, delivered flyers and sacked groceries at Safeway.  So, through out my life I've virtually been around critters of one type or another.  Since October 2014, and still counting, I've trapped: 3 skunks, 10 raccoon's, 10 possums, 1 gray fox, 2 ferrel cats, 2 brain dead squirrels and 1 dove with a poor GPS system.  Let me introduce a few of them to you.

This was the very first skunk to be incarcerated in my backyard - "Susie Q".   She is a full grown female and yes, I do give every animal a name that makes that poor decision to invade my missus "therapy gardens and flower beds".  After a little research on the internet, I discovered that skunks not only have poor eye sight, but also have a sweet tooth for marshmallows and peanut butter.  This is good information to have.

"Cuddles" raccoon was a real trooper about being in the slammer.  Those pitiful looking eyes told me she was scared to death and wishing she were back in her condo watching Oprah on a 72" flat screen TV and broadening her mind.  Cuddles, like Susie Q, also has a sweet tooth.  Amazing enough it too was marshmallows, peanut butter and just a hint of pancake syrup to enhance the flavor.  It's obvious Cuddles was raised in an upper crust neighborhood, because her nails were trimmed and shaped; her fur wasn't all matted up; just the right amount of make-up and had a very slender figure.  An enticing catch for any male raccoon on the prowl!

If there was ever a trailer trash species in the animal kingdom, then "Ethel Mae" possum would certainly be the poster child.  Not only does she have a nasty attitude, but her personal hygiene could certainly use some attention that for sure.  And those teeth.  Darlin', have you never heard of dental floss and annual check-ups?  Let's face it.  She is so damned ugly the family dogs tried to keep her buried under the front porch so she wouldn't scare away visitors. In her younger days, Ethel Mae got a job at one of those road side strip joints down along the border, but only lasted a few days.  When one of the drunk customers tried to slip a kernel of corn in her ear, Ethel Mae went into a Bruce Lee stance and did one of those flying drop kicks that removes large amounts of teeth.  Not only was she thrown out of the club, but the owner pitched her Budweiser wind chimes into the dumpster where a large, vile, male sewage rat made off with them.

This stud muffin is very well known among all the ladies at McAlister Park as "Foxy Loxy" and he has a stable of young females that would literally boggle the imagination.  A sleek individual with a keen sense of smell, speed, agility and the eyes any mother would love for their sons to have.  Foxy Loxy obtained his fame and fortune as a mercenary for a small company on the northern side of the county.  He is very adept at stealing chickens from any yard, regardless of the construction materials used, and has been known to raid hen houses with the "Los Banditos" gang from the inner city.

I call this fur ball ferrel cat, "Triple-C", which stands for Crept In, Crapped, Crept Out and is now living in an upscale neighborhood far, far away from my home.  He would run around the inside of my trap like a Puerto Rican shortstop that just won the World Series and never hit the same spot twice. Damn he was quick!  Wonder if he was a gymnast in his previous life?

                                Now for the business side of this show and tell story.

It's very obvious I enjoy catching critters.  But all the while this has been taking place, I've been giving serious consideration to starting a business of renting them to people instead of re-releasing these animals in a place where they've got food, water and shelter.  Let's face it, there isn't one person on the face of this earth that doesn't have an ex-spouse/boy or girl friend, relative, an associate at work or neighbor that you wouldn't like to drop the hammer on them at least once - if not more.  And that's where my critters and I come into the picture.  Look no more, we're the solution for your problem!!

For a reasonable negotiated fee, I would release a very agitated raccoon, possum, skunk or ferrel cat that are left to their own devices inside a car, home or office.  Sweet and total revenge!  Feast your brains on this scenario and see if you don't start breaking into a cold sweat.

For most of us, family reunions and get togethers can be classified as getting all your dysfunctional relatives under the same roof at one time and pray to God nobody has to call the police.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will break-up a family argument any quicker than when there's a "Susie Q" loose in the house at meal time munching on fresh sardines smothered in mustard oil.  When a conversation begins with, "Good God Almighty!  What in the Hell is that horrid smell?  Did somebody gut a goat with a road flare?  Aunt Zelda, does Uncle Dyke need to have his "Depends" changed or did he forget to put his Dr. Scholl's odor eaters inserts in his shoes again?  Somebody get the Airwick strips quick - I'm gonna vomit!"  The fun has just begun.  And to top it all off, when Susie Q gets startled from all the noise, she'll raise her big hinny up in the air and start squirting anything and everything within a 20 foot circumference, resembling a Gatling' machine gun...3,000 rounds a minute.  Breaking bread with the dysfunctional family members will take on a whole new meaning going forth.