Cruising The Panama Canal

One night at the baseball park where I have a "fun job" as an usher, one of the season ticket holders was telling me how she and her husband had just gotten back from spending two weeks in the backwoods of Alaska.  This trip was at the top of her "Bucket List". 

It got me to thinking and when I got home from working the game that night, I was telling my wife about my conversation at the ball park with my friend and I asked my wife if she had a Bucket List. If so, what was the number one thing on her list.  Within the amount of time it takes to clear your throat, she said without any hesitation "I want to go through the Panama Canal.  I've always wanted to see what it looks like and how it operates, because it's an engineering marvel."  I could've spent the next ten years on the Jeopardy Show trying to come up with that answer and never gotten right.  I thought she would pick something like a cruise around Alaska, laying on the beach in Hawaii or taking our granddaughter to Disney World.  But going through the Panama Canal?  Ok, if that's what she wants, that's what we'll do.

We got on one of those "re-location" cruises in which the cruise ships on the west coast of the United States go through the Panama Canal in late November (to avoid hurricanes) and re-locate in the Caribbean Sea where they do cruises throughout the winter months.  Our cruise was 15 days long, departing San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and docking in Fort Lauderdale December 12th.  We had six ports of call at: Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallarta, Mexico; Puerto Quetzal, Guatemala; Puntarenas, Costa Rica; Colon, Panama and Cartagena, Colombia.  The ship followed the Pacific coast line all the way down to the entrance of the two lakes that connect the Panama Canal with the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  The ship stayed just outside of the 12-mile limit and that's because gambling and duty free good were authorized on the cruise ship.

My wife and I were in the first group of people to board the ship in San Diego and without a doubt it was a beauty!  We got a couple of seats that enabled us to watch the other passengers board the ship and since it was high noon, that meant it was "cocktail time!"  I got us a couple of Bloody Mary's to start our voyage and to celebrate 15 days of no cell phones, no internet and no whinny doctor clients.  About two sips into my drink, I asked my wife if she had noticed the sheer volume of "old people" in motorized scooters, walkers and using canes coming across the gang plank?  And the void  of "young" people and small children?  She replied, "Jim, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  How many young people do you think can afford to take off work for 15 days at this time of the year and travel halfway around the world?  The only people that can take a trip like this are 'old, retired people!'  Just like you and me. Think man, think."  I said, "Well, for the love of God, is San Diego emptying out their nursing homes and assisted living facilities and putting them on this ship?  It's starting to look like an Ark for the geriatric crowd!  Suppose the ship has enough Metamucil onboard for this bunch? Wouldn't want any of them to get bound up like an $8 golf ball, they're grumpy as a bear with a sore ass already."

After we participated in the mandatory evacuation drill, we decided to take our own tour of the ship to find out where things were located and then go back topside to watch as we pulled away from the dock and set sail.  My wife had gotten some kind of 40% off coupon for some damn thing in the beauty area and thus, we just had to make a bee line there and be the first to take advantage of this great(???) savings.  She was leading the way and I was trailing behind her a few feet, because I didn't want anyone on the ship to get the wrong idea that I was "light in the loafers" and needed to find the beauty salon.  As we  continued our walk, I noticed our journey had taken us through the "indoor heated swimming pool and spa" area, where it was lined with very comfy chairs and chaises.  In every other chaise there was an old person taking their noon time naps.  Hell, they looked dead to me!  One woman's false teeth acted like a yo-yo, because when she snored and exhaled, the teeth protruded outward and when she inhaled they got sucked inside her mouth.  Looked like one of those machines used for bingo where the little ball shoots to the top with forced air.  It's a damn miracle that woman didn't choke to death.

For the most part, the vast majority of passengers on cruise ships dine at the "buffet" where there is enough food to feed a 3rd world country.  Watching people consuming food at any buffet, regardless whether or not at sea or on land, can best be described as resembling feeding time at the Dallas zoo.  During our 15 days on this ship, I noticed that many "senior citizens" have this ability to consume very large quantities of "ice cream" from the time they walk out of the buffet and they return for another round of gorging.  And God Almighty, if the machine happens to run empty or breakdown, that would be grounds for a major ass whoopin' in the first degree for sure.  The grey haired crowd would become so unruly the ships crew would need to break out the tranquilizer guns and tazer pistols just to bring order back to the ship.

Our ship had a medium sized swimming pool filled with salt water aft...that would be the "tail end" of the ship for the uneducated.  On each side of the pool was a small hot tub and the bar was very conveniently located, which my fair young lady and I did a great deal of business.  Every morning at exactly 11:30am was cocktail time and I would get us each a freshly made Bloody Mary to start the day off. We would get a couple of chaises in the shade and that's where we stayed until about 4pm when it was time to get ready for dinner.  What a life...eat, sleep, drink, gamble, scratch, break wind...repeat this process for 15 days!

The pool area was the "social hub" during the day where exercise classes were held, rock climbing and playing putt putt golf, and either walk or jog on the track just above the pool.  We would walk three miles after breakfast, but this other exercising stuff....not in this life time.  Sweat was NOT on our agenda for this trip.  By the time the ship made it's 2nd port of call in Mexico, I had come to a few analytic conclusions that would serve me well for any future shipboard activity around the pool.  Number One - any male that has a stomach so large that they've not seen their toes since the Nixon Administration should NOT be allowed to wear a Speed-Os swimming suit in public.  If your "man boobies" are larger than your wife's, for God's sake wear a t-shirt...they resemble wounded sea gulls.  Number Two - ladies, no matter how much you paid for that darling Spandex swimsuit, it will NEVER defeat gravity!  Once your body gets that "furniture disease" -- where your chest falls into your drawers -- the honeymoon is over.  Just because you can roll your breasts up like a Cuban cigar, doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna be one foxy mama in a two-piece.  And finally, Number Three - people should get a pedicure before they leave home. Really. Most people's feet aren't exactly photographic material, but when the toe nails resemble the hooves of sheep and cattle, do your fellow passengers a favor and get a pedicure.  And don't think for a fleeting minute a pair of sandals from Wal-Mart will do the trick...get a pedicure.

After being in the Navy for 14 years, I really didn't think I was going to enjoy this cruise.  However, being the center of attention with my wife and not having to share her time with anyone else for 15 days and going places neither one of us had been to before, I had a marvelous time!  Wonderful memories that will never be lost.